


Run and Hide

by Merula31



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, L2, M/M, Original Character(s), POV Duo Maxwell, Preventers (Gundam Wing), Shinigami, Trust Issues, Yaoi, but Duo is not a Preventer, check end notes if you really need to know who ends up with who, death of blink-and-miss-him OC from drug overdose, implied citrus, mystery main pairing, no - the END end notes of ch 17 - can't make it too easy on you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 16:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 24,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14048565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merula31/pseuds/Merula31
Summary: Duo takes his motto seriously.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. With Merula's permission, I began manually importing her works to the AO3 as part of an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017.
> 
> WARNINGS: This is the first chapter of a 1x2x5 that does not last. Pairings will change. (3x4 are here too- that one does last.)

"Hey, Duo! Time's up!" Becky called to me as I finished stacking the last of the display cases. She tapped her watch and gave me one of her meaningful stares. She looked like someone's grandma, but she could've given some of the war commanders I knew a run for their money.  
  
"I know, I know!" I called back cheerfully. I grabbed the cart and headed towards the back. Becky's husband Charlie was there, bent over his unending invoices. "All done for the day- unless there's something else?"  
  
"Nah, Duo, go home. Suzie just clocked in." Suzie was the night clerk. "Have a good weekend."  
  
"Thanks Charlie. See you on Monday!" I grabbed my jacket off the hook and headed out towards the door. Suzie was already leaning over the front counter, deep in a gabfest with Becky. She winked an eye at me.  
  
"Got big plans for the weekend, Duo?" Suzie was a honey blonde, pixyish and cute. But it was her voice that drove most of our male customers insane. It was husky and could make the most innocent comment sound dirty as hell. 'Can I help you' took on a whole new meaning when Suzie said it.  
  
"Nah, just about the same as always," I grinned back at her. "Rest, relax and forget about work for 2 days. My roommates have the weekend off too so we'll probably go out and have some fun."  
  
"Which reminds me- when are you going to set me up with one of those delicious roommates of yours?" She asked with a faint pout.  
  
"Suzie, they're Preventers- they are in love with their guns and their badges. You don't want to get mixed up with them," I replied, as I always did. Leaving out the part about them already being in a relationship. Her pout deepened and I gave her an apologetic shrug. "You can't make me believe that someone as gorgeous as you has trouble getting dates." I smiled appreciatively at her and she blushed.  
  
"How did you end up with 2 Preventers as roommates, anyway?" Becky asked. "I've always wanted to know."  
  
"Advertised," I replied, with a wink. "WANTED: Big strong roommates that can scare a burglar to death..." They laughed.  
  
"No really Duo." Suzie turned her pout into a smile.  
  
"We've been friends for years," I replied truthfully. "We went through a lot of stuff together."  
  
"Well, still- if you think one of them might be interested?" Suzie persisted.  
  
"I'll check," I promised and I made my escape.  
  
How did I end up with them? I wondered as I drove towards home. Weren't they supposed to push me off once the war was over? Once they realized that I was the unwelcome third? Once they realized that they didn't need me anymore? Depression settled over me and I tried to shrug it off.  
  
What the hell was wrong with me? I scolded myself. I was tired. Fridays were busy in the store; it had been a crazy day. I was not going to go down this mental pathway my brain was urging me on. I loved them- they loved me. They said so, often enough. They weren't going to get tired of me. Right?  
  
I sighed and ran my hand through my bangs. Almost home. Wufei and Heero wouldn't be home for another hour- at least. I had plenty of time to make dinner before they got there. I grinned, dark thoughts forgotten. Amazing the way we all just settled in to the routine of normal life. In our house I did the cooking, Heero did the laundry and Wufei did the rest of the cleaning. We all worked in the yard and traded off the shopping. It was quite cozy and domestic though sometimes it made me laugh to think about it.  
  
I pulled into the driveway and looked at the house for a minute. It still kind of shocked me sometimes. My home. It was pretty damn amazing. After years of having no home at all, this was one of the things I loved about my life. I turned off the car and took a deep breath. I was lucky to be here- but for how long? I paused and put my head against the steering wheel. Why was I all of a sudden so doubtful of all the things I had been sure of yesterday?  
  
The phone was ringing when I got inside. "Hello?"  
  
"Duo!" A familiar cheerful voice replied. "Bad time?"  
  
"Nah. Just got home. What's up Quatre?"  
  
"This is one of the weekends the guys have off, right?"  
  
"Yes," I replied as I flipped on lights. "Why?"  
  
"I haven't seen you guys for a month," Quatre complained. "I was hoping we could go out for dinner or something."  
  
"I'd love to," I smiled, knowing he couldn't see it. "But can you clear up that busy schedule of yours to see us?" Quatre had taken over Winner Industries- a huge conglomeration. It took up practically every waking moment of his life. Quatre enjoyed it, I knew he did, but sometimes I think it overwhelmed him.  
  
"Hell, yes," he replied, making me laugh. "Trowa has threatened to shoot anyone who tries to schedule an appointment with me this weekend. He says I need a break."  
  
"Good for him. I'll even lend him my rifle." Trowa and I managed to meet for lunch about once a week. We joked that he and I had less responsibilities than our partners, but then we also had a lot less stress. Lately he had been complaining that Quatre was running himself ragged. Apparently he had finally decided to do something about it. "As long as we don't fall into the appointment category." I flipped the lights on in the kitchen.  
  
"No, you three are the relaxing, fun time category. So, is it a date?"  
  
"I'll check with the guys, but I bet it's fine. We've missed you."  
  
"I've missed you guys too. I'm sure Trowa has told you..."  
  
"Of course. Trowa's said, and I quote: 'he's been busy'." I snorted. "Trowa is a great lunch date, but he's not exactly a talker." Quatre chuckled as I inspected the fridge.  
  
"With you around he doesn't have to be."  
  
"Oo! That was low, Quat, even if it is true!" I laughed. "Besides, I know for a fact that you can outtalk me when you want to."  
  
"Then I'll do the talking when I see you."  
  
"Deal. When?"  
  
"Saturday night? Pick a place and we'll be there."  
  
"We'll call tomorrow. Wufei said that if I picked a place on my own again he'd cut off my braid." Quatre started to giggle. "And since he called me "Maxwell" and used the word 'injustice' about 3 times in that threat, I'm inclined to take it seriously."  
  
"I don't blame him." Quatre was still giggling.  
  
"It wasn't THAT bad!" I protested.  
  
"Oh- so a strip karaoke bar..."  
  
"I didn't know! And it wasn't my fault that the owner had a thing for Asian men..."  
  
"Is that what you call it? A thing?" Quatre teased.  
  
"Oh, shove it," I replied cheerfully. "I'll just let them pick. But don't blame me if you can't pronounce or recognize anything we eat."  
  
"Duo!"  
  
"Oh, you know I'm right! Last time Heero picked I swear I ordered chopped poodle or something like that. He still hasn't told me what it was! Every time I ask he just gives me that death glare and mutters something darkly in Japanese."  
  
"Poor Duo." Quatre's voice was shaking with laughter now. "So, you'll call us tomorrow?"  
  
"Yep. As soon as the other two decide where we're going." I sighed. "How come you got the strong and silent one and I got the strong and violent ones?"  
  
"It must have something to do with your personality, Duo." He laughed.  
  
"Injustice!" I snapped in my best Wufei imitation.  
  
"Hey, strong and silent wants to talk to you." Quatre said when he regained control. The phone was handed off.  
  
"Thanks Duo," Trowa's warm voice spoke softly into the phone. "That's the first time he's laughed in a week."  
  
"No problem," I lowered my voice suggestively. "Now, you just need to make sure he's relaxed enough to enjoy tomorrow, 03."  
  
"I accept my mission, 02." Trowa chuckled at me. "See you tomorrow." I hung up the phone, still smiling. The message light was blinking and I hoped the guys weren't going to be late. I hit the button and began to pull out pans and ingredients.  
  
"Hey Duo! It's Hilde! Did ya get the invite? Are you coming to see me get hitched or not?" I laughed as Hilde's cheerful voice scolded me. She was marrying one of the guys on Howard's salvage crew in a few months. I had just gotten the invite yesterday. "I know this is a bit early Duo, but I have a reason. I want you to walk me down the aisle. You know I don't have any family left but you, big brother. So, call me back and say yes!" I stopped my dinner preparations and blinked. Hilde wanted me to walk her down the aisle?  
  
"Duo!" The front door opened and I heard Wufei's voice. "We're home!"  
  
"You're early!" I called back.  
  
"Yeah, the bad guys decided to pack it in for the day," Heero's voice answered. They entered the kitchen and I turned to smile at them.  
  
"Everything's okay?" I asked. "You two are usually home late than early."  
  
"We're fine," Wufei kissed me lightly as his arms snaked around my waist. "We missed you."  
  
"I missed you," I leaned into him for a moment. "Quatre called. He wants to have dinner with us tomorrow."  
  
"So Trowa's plan worked, huh?" Wufei questioned as he slid behind me so that Heero could kiss me hello.  
  
"Yep. We get to pick the place." Heero raised an eyebrow at me. "No, I didn't pick one," I replied to his unspoken comment. "The mere thought sent Quatre into a fit of giggles."  
  
"I'll call him back," Wufei replied. "I have an idea."  
  
"Wait 'til tomorrow," I said with a faint smirk. "I bet they're busy right now."  
  
"Now there's an idea," Heero leaned into me, forcing me back against Wufei.  
  
"Food first," I protested after a few moments. "Last time we did this I never got dinner."  
  
"We should feed him first," Wufei agreed, his breath sending shivers down my spine. "He'll have more stamina."  
  
"True," Heero leaned back, "and you never got lunch." I turned and raised my eyebrow at Wufei.  
  
"And why didn't you get lunch?" Wufei raised his hands and backed away.  
  
"Truce, truce! Finish making dinner, Duo." He said and Heero laughed. I turned back to my cutting board and let the sound wash over me. They were home. They were safe. They left the room to go change, reappearing minutes later in jeans and sweatshirts. They were laughing over something that had happened back in the bedrooms and for some reason it bothered me. I reminded myself that I should be happy to even see them laugh. They had been pretty damn stoic in the war days. I used to wonder if they even knew how to laugh.  
  
"Any other messages?" Wufei asked as he sat down at the table.  
  
"Uh- yeah," I replied, my brain flipping back to Hilde. Heero hit the message button and Hilde's cheerful voice rang out again.  
  
"Oh, Duo- you are going to do that for her, aren't you?"  
  
"If she's really sure she wants me," I flashed my smile at Heero. "I'm kind of surprised she didn't ask Howard." I threw the ingredients into the pan and began to stir them quickly.  
  
"You're closer to her than Howard is," Heero pointed out with a faint frown as he opened the fridge. Wufei rose to his feet and fetched the plates and glasses for the table. The stir-fry finished, I divided it onto the plates as Heero filled the glasses.  
  
"Tell us about your day, Duo," he said as we sat down and started our nightly ritual. I told them about my day, then they told me about theirs. My retelling was fast enough. Just the usual weird customers and store gossip. Theirs took a bit longer, also as usual. Their day always sounded way more exciting than mine. When the war first ended and they joined up with the Preventers, they wanted me to join too. But I'd had enough. I wanted a nice safe job that didn't involve killing anyone. So I worked at the bookstore. Besides, the Preventers worked as partners. Heero and Wufei made a perfect partnership. Who would they have stuck me with? I'm better off in the bookstore.  
  
Of course, the partners were not supposed to be romantically involved. The Preventers thought that the three of us were just roommates. Good friends that survived a war together. I wondered if that's why the guys kept me around. I was a good smokescreen for them. No, no, no! Good lord, what the hell was I thinking? Why was I all of a sudden so sure that they would leave me? Was my subconscious noticing something that I wasn't?  
  
"Duo- what is it?" Wufei touched my hand.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You spaced out on us for a minute," Heero was frowning. "Did something bad happen today and you didn't tell us?"  
  
"Ah, no. Just thinking about- stuff." I summoned up a smile for them. "Go on. I'm really listening this time." They exchanged a look, silently communicating, and a wave of jealousy washed through me. They spent all day together, worked together, did things that I didn't. I didn't feel left out- honestly, I protested silently. It had been my choice to turn down the Preventers. But all that extra time they spent together had made it so that they could have a whole conversation with just a look. Something must've showed on my face because they didn't back down.  
  
"What are you thinking about? Something is bothering you." Wufei leaned over the table. "Don't shut us out Duo."  
  
I blinked, trying to think of a response.  
  
"It's really nothing..." I swallowed as they glared at me. Yeah, you try evading two Preventers and see how you do.  
  
"Duo," Heero said softly. "Don't even try." See how well they know me?  
  
"It is really nothing..." I stopped. How the hell could I explain this when I wasn't even sure what was wrong? "I've just been feeling a little down." I smiled for them and glanced at the calendar to avoid their eyes. I noticed the date and things suddenly snapped into place. "Ah...hell." That's it. No wonder I'd been feeling so depressed. That's what had been bothering me all day.  
  
"Duo?" Wufei tried.  
  
"It's okay," I stood up quickly, feeling the burning in the back of my eyes. "I- I'm not hungry." And I fled to my room. Damn, damn, damn. How did I manage to forget what today was? I went into my room and closed the door. I reached up and touched the cross that never left my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes. Today was the anniversary of the Maxwell Church massacre. When my world collapsed again and I was left alone for the second time.  
  
Of course, the guys didn't leave me alone. The next thing I knew I was lying between them on my bed, their arms around me as I wept. It was almost funny. Whenever they get upset or worried they both lapse back into their native languages. I was being comforted in a tangled mix of Japanese, Mandarin and English. It took me awhile to realize that the English was me. My throat was hurting and I don't know what I'd been saying to them...  
  
"...alone. I was all alone again... they left me... No one ever stays..." I closed my mouth and tried to calm my tears.  
  
"We will stay," Wufei's voice was warm and rumbled in my ear. "We won't leave you, beloved. Not ever."  
  
"You belong with us," Heero's hands brushed my tears away. "You won't be alone again, koi, I swear it." This only made me cry harder as my mind argued with my heart. They would leave me. Everyone left me. Solo- Father Maxwell- Sister Helen- my never seen parents. I wasn't worth staying with...  
  
"Of course you are, Duo!" Heero's voice snapped gently.  
  
"Please Duo, listen to us." Wufei's voice added and I realized that I had been speaking out loud. Ah God, what the hell was wrong with me? Pain welled up tighter in my chest. I hadn't meant to get them upset too.  
  
The phone next to my bed rang. Heero turned and snagged it. "Yuy here." He paused. "It's the Church anniversary, Quatre." Oh god. I should've remembered that Quatre could still pick up on strong feelings. I must be really messed up this time. Remorse swept over me. "Last year?" Heero said into the phone.  
  
Suddenly Trowa's voice was in my ear. "Duo, Duo- it's me."  
  
"Trowa?" I replied, trying to calm myself, my fingers curling around the phone.  
  
"I didn't tell them about last year. I thought we got through it. I'm sorry." Last year? What the hell had happened last year? Wait- That's right. Wufei and Heero had been off guarding Quatre on a diplomatic trip. Trowa had been staying with me when the anniversary rolled around. "Duo?" I pulled myself together.  
  
"It's okay, Trowa, I did too."  
  
"Do you need to do it again? I can be there in 10 minutes." It was tempting. Of course, last year I hadn't forgotten. It hadn't been as bad as this.  
  
"I don't want to drag you..."  
  
"Duo. Stop. It's no problem. I'll be there soon, okay?" He hung up. Heero took the phone from me, his dark blue gaze studying me intently.  
  
"Trowa's coming over," I said softly.  
  
"He said he could help you like he did last year." Heero replied. There was a strange tone in his voice.  
  
"I need to get ready."  
  
"We'll help." Wufei sat up.  
  
I was dressed in black jeans and a sweater, tear marks scrubbed off my face by the time Quatre and Trowa showed up at the door. Quatre hugged me tightly in greeting.  
  
"Are you ready, Duo?" Trowa asked, his green eyes calm and steady.  
  
"Yes. I'm sorry..."  
  
"Like I said last year, this is what friends are for." Trowa reached out and took my arm. "Car's ready." He glanced at the other three. "Don't just stand there. You're coming too." He piled us in his car, making sure I was between Wufei and Heero in the back.  
  
"Where are we going?" Wufei asked as we pulled out of the driveway.  
  
"Where Duo needs to go." Trowa replied in his usual cryptic fashion. We drove in silence; the only sound was the classical piece on playing softly on the car's stereo. It wasn't very long before we stopped. Wufei and Heero looked out of the windows and I could almost hear them sigh in realization as we got out of the car.  
  
"A church?" Quatre said in faint surprise.  
  
"We need to perform a little ritual," Trowa answered. "It won't take long."  
  
The church was quiet and dimly lit. Trowa walked with me over to the statue of Mary and handed me a lit match. I lit two of the candles at her feet, one for Sister Helen, one for Father Maxwell. I closed my eyes as the tears welled up again.  
  
"Pater noster, qui es in caelis..." I whispered. Trowa's voice joined me. "Sancticetur nomen tuum..." He bent his head beside mine as we prayed. I don't know where the other three were. Watching and wondering what the heck we were doing most likely. The familiar words washed over me reminding me of the happier times when I had first learned these words. "Amen," we finished.  
  
"Ave Maria, gratia plena," Trowa started the next prayer and I joined in this time. We repeated the Latin words together, the sight of the tiny flames and the sound of the prayers easing a place in my heart. "Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatorbus nuc, et in hora mortis nostre." We finished and I felt – better. I hadn't forgotten and I wasn't alone. For now. I shoved that thought down.  
  
"Trowa, how do you know these prayers?" I asked, just as I had last year.  
  
"All part of my misspent youth," He replied just as he had before. "Feel better?" We turned to look for the others. They were standing just a few feet behind us. Quatre looked solemn, Wufei was frowning slightly and Heero's expression was unreadable. I went to the most approachable one and hugged him.  
  
"I'm sorry I disturbed you, Quatre."  
  
"It's all right, Duo." He hugged me back. "Can you tell me- what are the candles for?"  
  
"You light the candles for someone you want to pray for," I replied. "They kind of stand in for that person." I looked up at Trowa.  
  
"A remembrance," he added.  
  
"And the prayers?" Quatre asked, his eyes studying the two of us. Trowa answered:  
  
"The first was the Lord's prayer. The second was to Mary, asking for her to pray for us- to intervene on our behalf..."Trowa looked a bit uncomfortable, so I jumped in.  
  
"Basically the last line sums it up: Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our deaths." I smiled at Trowa, trying to break the mood. "I'm still surprised that Trowa knows the Latin forms." Trowa smiled slyly at me, willing to play along.  
  
"Sainte Marie, O ma mere, Mere de Dieu, priez pour nous pauvre pecheurs, maintant..." he paused with an arched eyebrow.  
  
"Et a l'heure de notre morte." I finished with a smile. "French version too? How very cultured of you, M'siur. Barton."  
  
"Ah, d'accord M'siur. Maxwell." He took Quatre's arm and I looked over at Heero and Wufei, finally identifying the emotion they were expressing. They were worried. I went towards them hesitantly.  
  
"I'm sorry I..." Heero reached out and pulled me into his arms.  
  
"No. This is nothing to be sorry for." He replied. Wufei's arms went around both of us and I relaxed in that familiar embrace.  
  
"Do you feel better, Duo?"  
  
"Yes," I smiled at both of them, letting a hint of mischief sparkle in my eyes. "But we'd better get out of here. Most Catholics aren't too understanding about same-sex relationships." I let them go, reluctantly.  
  
"You mean you just keep having the same sex over and over?" Trowa quipped from where he stood near the door with Quatre.  
  
"Shove it," I grinned over at him. Quatre was shaking his head.  
  
"You've totally corrupted him Duo."  
  
"That's my job." They walked out of the church. I looked back at the statue of Mary and for a moment, she looked like Sister Helen, smiling gently at me. "Ave Helen, full of grace, you are with me, always," I murmured to her then I turned to follow my family out.  
  
The car was warm and I was more relaxed. The car ride back to the house was noisy as Wufei and Quatre argued over restaurants for the next night. Trowa, Heero and I were in stitches as the two of them compared Chinese to Arabian cuisine. Camels, rats, and sand were mentioned repeatedly. Finally as Trowa pulled up in front of our house, Quatre pretended to give in.  
  
"We'll see you tomorrow at 6, then." He leaned out of the car window as we got out.  
  
"We're looking forward to it," I told him, then leaned to the side to look at Trowa.  
  
"Muchas gracias amigo."  
  
"De nada Duo. Us ex-Catholics have to stick together. Especially surrounded by heathens as we are." We laughed as the other three made faces. I was still chuckling as they drove off.  
  
"I still would love to know how he knows all those languages- especially the Latin."  
  
"I would love to know how you do," Heero told me as we walked into the house.  
  
"Well, most of the Catholic priests speak Latin. Sister Helen and Father Maxwell used it to speak privately- when there was something going on that the children didn't need to know about."  
  
"So of course, you just had to learn it." Wufei grinned.  
  
"Of course, but Father Maxwell started teaching me when I asked. I think he wanted me to be a priest someday." I felt the pain rise in my chest and tried to stop it. Quatre could feel it; I reminded myself icily and locked it down.  
  
"Are you hungry, Duo? You didn't finish your meal."  
  
"Neither did you two," I smiled back at Heero. "And Wufei didn't even get lunch." Suddenly, an arm was around me, and my feet were off the floor. I twisted my head and saw Wufei draw Heero closer.  
  
"I am starving," Wufei murmured and kissed Heero hungrily as his arm tightened around me. "What say we take the braided baka upstairs and eat?"  
  
"Hey!" I protested. We were upstairs, in Wufei's bedroom moments later.  
  
I know it seems a little odd that we all have separate bedrooms. It's not really. One thing we learned early on after the war is that we all at one time or another needed our own space. Our separate rooms give us our own space. If we needed to retreat from the world, we had a place that was ours alone. The rest of the house we had decorated together, but not our rooms. It also gave us a more realistic cover- I mean, anyone coming over could see that we all had our own room. And it wasn't if we ever slept alone. We didn't. Well, not usually. Wufei and Heero had to go out of town occasionally, and then I was by myself, but if we were together, then we were sharing a bed.  
  
I awoke the next morning before either of them. I had ended up on one of the sides, so it was easy to slip out without waking them. Wufei's sheets were a stark white and they played up the dramatic coloring of the other two. I admired them for a moment before going downstairs and starting breakfast preparations. We hadn't ever finished dinner last night- and I didn't know about them, but I was starving. I stopped on my way down for sweats and socks. Our house has wood floors and they are cold in the morning.  
  
The teakettle went on first. No one in the house drank coffee anymore. The other two had corrupted me. I pulled out the frozen orange juice and made a pitcher, then tidied up the dinner mess from the night before. I decided what to make for breakfast as I washed the dinner dishes and then got started. I loved weekend mornings. During the week breakfast was toast, tea, and cereal, grabbed in haste and eaten quickly. Only on the weekends could I spend extra time in the kitchen. It was one of the little routines we had developed that I enjoyed. I spent extra time in the kitchen and they slept in.  
  
My brain showed me the picture of the two of them still sleeping above and instead of smiling, I frowned as the ache built up in my chest again. They were perfect together- I didn't fit in this picture. I leaned my head into the cabinets and tried to get a hold of myself. They weren't going to leave me. They wanted me here. I was being stupid.  
  
"Duo?" Heero's voice interrupted my mantra. My head snapped up in surprise. I didn't have time to pull a smile on. His arms were around me moments later. "Are you still upset? You seemed better last night."  
  
"I'm okay. It's just..." I paused. How the hell do I phrase this? "I- uh- I just am having trouble straightening my mind out again."  
  
"What do you mean?" Heero's arms tightened a bit. "We said we wouldn't leave you. You don't doubt us, do you?" He might have meant it as a rhetorical question, but my attempt to cover my reaction failed. His eyes narrowed.  
  
"Uh- Heero, I need to finish breakfast," I said lamely and tried to slide out of his arms. It was futile. He is a lot stronger than me.  
  
"Why?" He asked then, his voice soft. "Duo- why?" I knew he wasn't referring to breakfast.  
  
"It's not important. I'm just kind of still upset from yesterday, I guess. Don't worry. I'll get over it." He looked at me searchingly for a moment and then kissed me fiercely, his arms tightening around me possessively.  
  
"You're mine," he murmured in my ear. "Always. I never want to be without you." I rested against him for a moment and tried to let his words reassure me.  
  
I touched his cheek gently as the teakettle whistled. "I need to get that before it wakes up Wufei." I slid out of his arms and turned to the stove. "You have time for a shower before breakfast," I said lightly, and he left the room. I heard the shower turn on a few moments later and I focused on breakfast and the things I needed to do today. Groceries, cleaners, and a dozen other little things around the house could get done before 6 easily.


	2. Chapter 2

I was busy at the stove when they entered the kitchen. "Hot water is on the stove, or there's orange juice in the fridge." I said without turning around. "We're not supposed to meet the guys until 6, so I was thinking that I'd run some errands today."  
  
"We'll go with you," Heero volunteered.  
  
"It's okay," I replied. "You guys had a hard week. I can go while you rest." Wufei kissed me gently.  
  
"You forget, the pleasure of a weekend together is just that. We want to be with you after being without you all week." He smiled. "I still wish you'd consider a job with us." I started to speak but Wufei hushed me. "I know you didn't want to be an agent, and I understand why. But it's a bit frustrating to be away from you- to miss so much time."  
  
"Even if I was an agent, it'd be the same," I replied. "Maybe worse since we'd be on separate cases all the time."  
  
"That's true," he said, releasing me. "Maybe we should work in the bookstore." I laughed as he intended me to, and shook my head.  
  
"Somehow I just don't see it. The first customer who yelled at you would get skewered." I sighed. "Not that I haven't been tempted a few times."  
  
"If they only know who they were yelling at, ne?" Heero smiled. "So, what's on the list today?"  
  
We ended up having a great day. Even grocery shopping can be fun if you're with the right people. Heero insisted on treating it 'like a mission' and we had fun dividing up the list and treating the whole trip like some kind of covert op. The chores around the house went fast with three of us to do them.  
  
We went to get Quatre and Trowa at 6. Wufei had picked a theme restaurant where the waiters and waitresses all wore costumes and occasionally stopped to dance or sing. I was a bit surprised, since it seemed more to my and Quatre's taste than to the other three. Then I realized that he had probably picked it for that reason alone. It was nice to see Quatre relaxed and laughing and to see some of that tension drained out of Trowa. We were all laughing over a 'stupid criminal' story that Wufei was telling as we waited for our change when Trowa's eye lighted on me.  
  
"Feeling better?" He asked me quietly and I shrugged.  
  
"Yeah," I replied just as softly, "I guess." His eyebrow went up.  
  
"Maybe we should come here for lunch," he said a bit louder and I realized that the others had stopped laughing and any more private conversation was impossible. "It's better than that awful deli you always take me to."  
  
"What? You're the one that always insists on going there because of that cute counter girl."  
  
"Cute counter girl?" He gave me a mock-scornful look. "You don't mean the one old enough to be my mother, do you?"  
  
"Yeah, but you totally flirt with her Tro."  
  
"I do not!"  
  
"Then how come she always gives you extra dessert?" Trowa rolled his eyes exaggeratedly.  
  
"Well, at least I don't flirt with the busboy."  
  
"You're just mad because he always refills my drink."  
  
"Extra dessert is better than soda."  
  
"In your world, maybe, not mine..."  
  
"That's it," Wufei shook his head sadly. "They've passed the bend."  
  
"Is it time for the straight jackets?" Heero asked. Quatre grinned.  
  
"Oh, I have some restraints in mind." That made us all laugh.  
  
"That sounds like a good idea." Wufei wrapped my braid around his hand as we stood up. "And Duo comes with one built in."  
  
Later that evening as we curled up in Heero's bed, Heero took a deep breath and leaned his head on my shoulder. "Duo, talk to me?" Wufei was curled around him on the other side and he nodded encouragingly.  
  
"What about?" I asked as I always did.  
  
"Anything you want," Heero replied as he always did. "It's just- been awhile." It was one of our rituals. During the war when he and I had first started sharing a bed, I always had to talk afterwards. Sometimes I confessed my soul, sometimes it was just all the things I had wanted to say during the day and hadn't, sometimes it was just pointless ramblings. Heero would just lie there quietly and listen.  
  
Back then, it hadn't been about love. At least, I don't think it was. It was about comfort. It was about proving that you were still alive, that you could feel. We had started sharing a bed after any major fight, unless one of us was too injured to move. It had been during one of my 'talks' that I had speculated how the other pilots worked it off after a battle that we realized that Wufei had no outlet. Quatre had Trowa, Heero and I had each other, Wufei only had his damn sword. He would practice with it until he dropped. So we invited him in with us after the next battle. I think it had surprised him that we offered. I think it surprised us that he accepted. But it had to have been hard being by himself. You crave the contact and it helps to have someone near you when the nightmares start. I will still never forget after that first time, when we all curled up together like this and Heero had told Wufei that 'now it's time for Duo to talk'. They had curled against me tightly and listened to me until we all fell asleep.  
  
"Duo?' Wufei's voice sounded hesitant. "You aren't talking."  
  
"Huh? Oops," I smiled. "Lost in thought I guess."  
  
"What are you thinking about?" He asked me.  
  
"The past. Our past." I paused. What in the hell I meant was unclear to me, but not to the other two.  
  
"We won't leave you," Heero said softly.  
  
"You can't promise me that," I answered softly. "Father Maxwell and Sister Helen didn't want to leave me either. But they were taken from me all the same."  
  
"Duo-" Heero started and I shook my head.  
  
"Not now. It's okay." I hugged them both tightly for a moment before launching into a ramble about the afterlife and all the kinds of holy hell we could raise as ghosts. They fell asleep to the sound of my voice and I dropped off soon after lulled by the sound of their breathing in the dark.  
  
Sunday was lazy- my favorite kind of weekend day. We slept late; read the paper did all those lazy Sunday activities that we enjoyed. My depression had vanished for the moment and I was happy and content with my world. If only I had known what was coming.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just advancing the plot a bit here... Small Trigun nod- see if you catch it.

The work week started as it always did. Monday was dreary, not too busy, as were Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursdays are when it starts to get busy in the book business. Thursday morning passed quietly enough. I cleaned and stocked the shelves, checked on orders, all those kinds of things. The store sells new and used books and we do a booming business locating rare or odd books for our customers. Trowa came to fetch me for lunch as he almost always did on Thursdays. I saw Becky give him the same speculative look she always did. I had told her that he was an old friend of mine, but I think our weekly lunch date raised her suspicions. Well, that and me not panting after Suzie like the weekend clerk did.  
  
"How's Quatre doing?" I asked as we ate our sandwiches. We were sitting in the corner of the deli away from the lunch rush at the counter. I gave Trowa's dessert a meaningful glance.  
  
"Better. Of course he dived right back into work on Monday." Trowa shook his head as the busboy went past and refilled my drink.  
  
"Of course. He's too responsible not to. Did you at least get him to start delegating some of this stuff?"  
  
"Yes. He does have several very good assistants, plus Rashid and I also try and take some of the weight off. But there's still so much!" Trowa sounded frustrated. "I'm sure it's not as bad as it could be, but..." He paused.  
  
"It just all seems pointless to you," I suggested.  
  
"Yes. Well, not all the time, but Quatre's whole lifestyle is just so... foreign to me, I guess. Even after two years, I'm still adjusting." I put my sandwich down and looked him in the eye.  
  
"You could leave." He was quiet for a long moment, thinking about it. Then he looked back up at me and shook his head.  
  
"No. As crazy and pointless as it seems to me, I just can't..." I smiled.  
  
"Then you need to find a way to deal with it. Have you talked to Quatre about this?"  
  
"No. It will just make him feel guilty." I frowned.  
  
"You really think he hasn't noticed?" Trowa looked thoughtful again, as I kept talking. "Hasn't he made sure that you visit Catherine occasionally? Doesn't he encourage these lunches with me?" There was a long pause.  
  
"He's been giving me an outlet," Trowa smiled again. "I never even noticed."  
  
"You're what keeps him sane, Trowa. I'm sure he wants to do the same for you. You gave up a lot to stay with him and he knows it." I took a big bite of my sandwich while Trowa thought about it. He shook his head and then gave me a mischievous grin.  
  
"So, how are things in your household?"  
  
"Same as usual," I grinned back for a moment before my depression welled back out of the pit it had dug in my head. "Trowa does my relationship- well, relationships ever seem as odd to you as they do to me?"  
  
"How does it seem odd to you?"  
  
"Well, it's not normal."  
  
"Would you prefer normal? Would you trade Yuy and Chang for a nice little wife?" I grimaced and he laughed. "I'll take that as a no."  
  
"It was a no."  
  
"In all honesty Duo, no, it doesn't. The three of you mesh so well that it doesn't seem odd to me at all." His eyes narrowed. "Why? What's going on in that head of yours?" I sighed.  
  
"Hell if I know. One minute everything's great, the next I'm sure that they'll finally realize that I don't fit in the picture anymore and toss me out." Trowa frowned.  
  
"You don't fit in the picture?"  
  
"Hell, Trowa, they're still soldiers. I'm not. They spend all day together defending the world and what do I do? I sell books." I took a sip of my soda. "I just feel- apart from them sometimes."  
  
"Have you talked to them about it?"  
  
"Kind of."  
  
"Kind of? In other words- no."  
  
"C'mon Tro, you know it was inevitable, I mean three is an odd number- one of us was going to be left out, and better me than one of them."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why what?"  
  
"Why better you than one of them? Before this all started Fei had a family, you had the Sweepers, Heero had Dr. J. Out of all of you Heero is most..."  
  
"No," I cut him off before he could finish. "Heero can't be alone again, Tro. You know what it was like getting him to come out of that whole 'perfect soldier' mode. And hell, Fei lost everyone! It nearly killed him to be alone the first time. They need each other."  
  
"And they need you. If you're feeling this way Duo, you need to talk to them about it. I'm sure they aren't doing it on purpose-"  
  
"I know they aren't. They just spend so much time together- they know each other so well- I just..."  
  
"Feel left out?"  
  
"I guess, but also- in the way." Trowa was silent for a long moment.  
  
"You know it would hurt them to hear this, Duo."  
  
"I know." I smiled for him. "I think it's something I have to get around on my own." I glanced down at my watch. "I'd better get back." Trowa's frown deepened, but he let the matter drop, for which I was grateful.  
  
Trowa walked me back to the store, as he always did. We walked in and I paused. Something was wrong. There was no one at the counter and I could smell a hint of gunpowder in the air. Trowa and I looked at each other for a brief second.  
  
"Get over here!" A voice from the back of the store rang out. "I can see the both of you!" Trowa's eyebrow went up in a question and I shook my head. Too little information. I blinked back at the door and he nodded. With the speed and agility of a trained acrobat Trowa was out the door in under a second. I blinked as a bullet passed over my head. The voice cursed and I put both arms behind my head as I walked slowly down the aisle to the back. Shinigami stirred to waking and laughed silently in my head. Damn I had hoped the bastard was dead after all this time.  
  
There were three of them, I noted absently as I was forced down on the floor next to Becky, Charlie and Suzie. Suzie must've stopped by for her paycheck- what a hell of a time to pick, Shinigami giggled. I crossed my legs and looked up at our captors. I wasn't Duo anymore. Shinigami had come out to play.  
  
"Well now, pretty boy," one of them sneered and I nearly laughed in his face. Like I had never heard that before. I wondered if he had learned the insult in Evil Villains 101. "Maybe you know where the cash is?" I couldn't help raising an eyebrow.  
  
"In the cash registers?" I replied smartly.  
  
"There was barely anything in there," the moron snarled back. For goodness sakes, we were a bookstore not a liquor store. How much was he expecting?  
  
"The safe?" I tried again.  
  
"We already did the deposit," Becky said, her voice shaky. She was flicking her eyes back and forth between the morons.  
  
"Oh, well, then I guess that just leaves the bank," I couldn't help it. Number one moron smacked me with the butt of his pistol. I think he thought it would hurt, but I've been hit by experts. These guys were not experts. Of course, that didn't mean they weren't dangerous, and I had civilians to think about too. Shinigami doesn't hurt the innocent.  
  
The wail of sirens rose around us and I could see the blinking of the lights through the front windows.  
  
"How the hell did the police get here?" Moron number three spoke for the first time and I repressed the urge to yell 'DUH'.  
  
"The other guy must've called," number one said softly. "Maybe we should just shoot them all and make a run for it."  
  
"And get charged with a murder rap too?" Moron number two pointed out and I upgraded him in my head to idiot. Obviously not as stupid as the other two. He was also obviously the boss, as the other two didn't bother to argue with him. "Besides, we might need them to get us safely out of here."  
  
"You don't need all of us," I spoke up quickly. "Why don't you send the ladies out as a good-faith gesture?" Moron number one made to hit me again, but Head idiot stopped him.  
  
"You know about these kinds of things?" He asked sarcastically. I looked up and for a moment, let Shinigami peek out from behind the happy idiot mask.  
  
"I was in the war," I said softly. "I know all kinds of things." Head idiot actually took a step back, once again proving that he was the smart one. I heard Suzie whimper softly and I let my expression smooth back out.  
  
"YOU ARE SURROUNDED," a loud megaphone voice informed us. "PLEASE COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP."  
  
"All right you two," Head idiot looked at Becky and Suzie. "Go on out there and tell them that we want a car, gassed up and ready to go or we'll kill these other two." Becky and Suzie got shakily to their feet. I met Becky's eyes and nodded at her encouragingly. She managed a shaky smile for me. The two of them walked down the center aisle and out of the store. A few minutes later, the store's phone began to ring.  
  
"That's probably the police," Head idiot said and again I resisted the urge to yell 'DUH'. He pointed at Charlie. "Go answer it." Charlie got to his feet and nearly fell over.  
  
"Ankle," he muttered to me and I reached up to catch him. "Twisted it."  
  
"I'll get it." I bounded to my feet and was by the phone before the robbers could even train their weapons on me. "Bernadelli's Books, this is Duo, how can I help you today?"  
  
"You can tell me what the hell is going on in there," Sally Po said in my ear and I smothered a grin.  
  
"We have three armed gunmen that want a car and an escape route," I told Sally. "Or they'll kill Charlie and me." My voice was level, but anyone who knew me like Sally did could hear the undertones well enough.  
  
"Amateurs?"  
  
"Very," I answered.  
  
"Let me talk to them." I held the phone out to head idiot.  
  
"Agent Po wants to talk to you," I said. He stepped towards me and snatched the phone out of my hand. I went back to Charlie and nearly laughed. The morons were watching their boss, who was standing with his back to me. Dumb, dumb, dumb! "Can you walk, Charlie?' I muttered in his ear.  
  
"Not well." I motioned to one of our big heavy metal bookcases that stood nearby.  
  
"Get behind that and don't move." He slid out of sight as I watched the morons. Shinigami smiled ferally. A second later I was behind moron number one and he was out like a light. Moron number two went down just as easily. I took his gun and aimed carefully at Head idiot. Disable, I reminded myself, and in two shots, he was. I crossed the distance to him and knocked him the rest of the way out. Keeping all three in my sight, I picked up the phone. Sally was cursing.  
  
"Sally?" I said into the receiver. "Get the hell in here. We're all clear."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: And here is where the pairings change. You know you saw it coming...

"Why Preventers?" I asked Sally as her team took the idiots away and carried Charlie out to the medics.  
  
"Because of you," she smiled back at me. "A former Gundam pilot in a hostage situation? Who knew what you would do?" I raised my eyebrow at her.  
  
"Hey, I passed my psych evaluation," I told her coldly.  
  
"I know," she patted me on the arm. "But you are the only one out of the five that doesn't do some kind of work for us." That made me raise both eyebrows. "Besides Duo," she sighed. "Do you really think the others would just sit back and let the local police handle a situation where you're the one in danger? Commander Une had to order them to let me handle it."  
  
"Good thing we all trust you," I grinned at her.  
  
"You didn't need me Duo," she said pointedly.  
  
"You were the best distraction in the world. They were all paying attention to the phone, not to little old me," I winked at her. "And once their backs were turned..."  
  
"They turned their backs on you?" She repeated. "Morons!"  
  
"That's what I said!" I laughed with her.  
  
"C'mon, I'm going to take you back with me to report." She smiled at me. "Do you mind? I know the others will want to see you. We had to practically tie them up to keep them away."  
  
"Nah, lead on," I told her. I followed her out of the store and over to her cruiser. Trowa was leaning against it and I got a faint smile of welcome.  
  
"Still in one piece?" He asked me.  
  
"Of course." I looked around. "Becky and Suzie?"  
  
"With the medics. They're fine, just a bit shocky. Want to see them first?"  
  
"Can I?" I asked Sally.  
  
"Go ahead. I'll radio that we're coming in." I walked over to the ambulances, Trowa beside me. Suzie was sitting with a blanket around her and Becky was kneeling next to Charlie, who was getting his ankle taped up.  
  
"Everyone okay here?" I asked and Suzie looked up at me and I froze at the fear on her face.  
  
"We're fine," Becky responded calmly as she gave me a grateful smile. "Thanks Duo. Charlie said that you made sure he was safe."  
  
"I wouldn't want anything happening to him," I replied easily. "How's the ankle?"  
  
"Broken," he grunted, then gave me a piercing look. "You never mentioned that you were in the war."  
  
"Not something I like to talk about," I said as I met his eyes. "But, yes, I was."  
  
"Good thing, too," Becky said and shot a glance at Suzie.  
  
"Uh, yeah," I was starting to feel uncomfortable. "I'm going to go file a report," I told them quickly. "So, I'll see you tomorrow?" Charlie managed a laugh.  
  
"I think I'm going to close the store tomorrow. Just enjoy a long weekend, Duo. You've earned it. I'll see you on Monday."  
  
The ride to Preventers HQ was mostly silent. Trowa and I followed Sally in my car. Trowa wasn't much for idle chitchat and I didn't feel like talking. When we got there, Trowa dropped a hand on my shoulder as we walked into the building.  
  
"What scared Suzie so much?' He asked me quietly.  
  
"She saw Shinigami," I replied in the same tone. His hand squeezed my shoulder comfortingly.  
  
"Well, that sucks." He said and I agreed. I stepped into an office and found myself the focus of four pairs of eyes. Three of them were dark with worry, so I smiled reassuringly for Quatre, Heero and Wufei, before smiling charmingly for the last pair. Commander Une sat on one of the desks, not a hair out of place as she studied me.  
  
"Commander," I greeted.  
  
"Maxwell," she nodded back. "Please report." I ran through the quick version of the holdup, not leaving out the fact that I thought the guys were total and complete morons. Une actually unbent enough to smile at the nicknames.  
  
"Well, Maxwell," she said when I was finished. "Not too bad. Of course your mouth might've gotten you into trouble there."  
  
"I know," I said with a faint smile and tapped the bruise on my cheek. "But I can't help it sometimes."  
  
"Does it hurt?" She asked, eyes on the bruise.  
  
"Comparatively speaking? No." I raised my eyebrow at her and I knew that we were both thinking of another time. "Not after being hit by experts." She smiled faintly.  
  
"Agent Po, please make sure the local authorities have a copy of this report," she ordered as she stood up. Sally nodded and was out the door. Une stood before me and met my eyes. "Mr. Maxwell, I would like you to seriously reconsider the Preventers offer."  
  
"I don't..." I started and she raised a hand.  
  
"Think about it, please." She held me with her gaze. "Your skills are being wasted." She walked to the door. "Let me know if you change your mind." She left the room quickly. As soon as the door closed behind her I was in a hug.  
  
"Are you all right?" Wufei asked as he and Heero held me tightly for a moment.  
  
"I'm fine, 'Fei. Really." I pulled back a little and smiled for both of them. "They really were complete morons. Trowa was the only one who got shot at." Trowa glared at me as the three turned on him.  
  
"They missed," he said reassuringly to Quatre who was anxiously examining him. "I'm really all right." He hugged the shorter blond for a moment. "I think I'll skip meeting Duo for lunch for awhile though. Too much excitement for me."  
  
"Ha ha, Barton." I lifted an eyebrow at him and then sighed.  
  
"What Duo?" Heero pulled back and looked at me.  
  
"The bookstore," I replied without thinking. "I messed it up today."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Suzie saw Shinigami," I said softly. "And, I'm afraid she got a bit frightened. She's not going to want to work with me anymore."  
  
"All the more reason for you to talk to the Commander," Quatre pointed out. He squeezed Trowa one more time and then came over to hug me. "I have to get back to work," he said with a frown. "If you're sure you're all right?"  
  
"I'm fine," I reassured him. Then I leaned down to his ear. "But take some extra time today for Trowa, okay?" I murmured softly. He nodded back at me and after collecting Trowa, left.  
  
"Who's office are we taking up?" I asked. Wufei grinned at me.  
  
"Ours. This is the first time you've come to see us at work." He shook his head at me.  
  
"Are you going to talk to the Commander?" Heero asked me point blank.  
  
"Not if I can help it." I returned. "Why?"  
  
"She wants you in the Preventers, Duo," Wufei pointed out.  
  
"That doesn't mean I want to be here," I said calmly.  
  
"Duo," Heero's voice was soft. "How did you feel today when you realized that you had a good shot of taking those guys out? Didn't things just fall into place?"  
  
"Well, yes," I admitted.  
  
"It was natural, right? Easy even?"  
  
"Yes." I looked away from Heero's intense gaze.  
  
"You don't have to be involved in the policing side of things." Heero pointed out. "Quatre and Trowa aren't. They just occasionally perform a mission or investigation that matches with their skills. You could do the same."  
  
"You won't feel comfortable at the bookstore anymore." Wufei's calm voice stated what I already knew. "Why don't you just go talk to her?"  
  
"I can't," I replied, backing up towards the door. I glanced back and forth between the two of them. How could they not see that I wasn't comfortable with this idea?  
  
'Because', the little voice in the back of my head spoke up, drowning me with ice, 'it's not the same for them. They aren't like you. They were trained to fight honorably. To protect. To be soldiers. You were born to kill. To destroy. To be Shinigami.'  
  
I would always be Shinigami.  
  
"I'm- gonna go home," I said into the silence. "I need to... think."  
  
"All right, Duo." Wufei spoke quietly. "We'll see you at home." I gave them a faint smile and fled.  
  
I drove home, heart beating like a trip-hammer in my chest. I had never told the guys that I had been the reason that the alliance had attacked the church. I had never told them about Solo. In all my late night ramblings, I had never mentioned that I was death to anyone close to me. I wasn't surprised. I hadn't wanted to think about it. Hadn't wanted to remember all of my loved ones that had died because of my mistakes.  
  
I know it wasn't rational, but I felt that if I joined the Preventers, Heero and Wufei would get hurt. Worse- if Shinigami came out to play, they might die. Like all the others had. All the others who had done nothing but loved me.  
  
But I also knew that Wufei and Heero wanted me to join. They had been waiting for something like this to help them rope me in. And if I stayed, I knew I would give in to them, let them persuade me. The lure of their company and approval was too strong- something I wanted too badly.  
  
Now I realized what my subconscious had been trying to tell me the last several days.  
  
It was time to move on.  
  
Time to leave them before they got hurt.  
  
They would be fine without me- they had each other.  
  
I got to the house and flew up the stairs. My duffels were packed in minutes and I rushed, obscurely worried that they'd come home and catch me.  
  
My bike was in the garage. It'd be harder to trace me on that, than in my car. I strapped the two bags on the back and made one last final tour of the house.  
  
I had to leave something. I couldn't just go without a word.  
  
_Guys-_  
  
_I'm sorry, but it's time for me to go. I can't work at the bookstore and I can't be a Preventer. I'm still too much Shinigami for it to be safe. I'll miss you both very much. Take care of each other and tell Trowa and Quatre the same. Don't let Quatre work too hard. That goes for the both of you as well. Know that wherever I am, I'm thinking of you guys- always._

 _All my love, Duo_  
  
It didn't say half of what I wanted it to say, but it would have to do. I left it on the kitchen table and headed out. A few hours later I was out of the city and on my way towards a shuttle port. Better to get as far away as possible. 


	5. Chapter 5

I went back to L2. Why not? It was home and I knew it better than anyplace else. It had one of my boltholes that held one of several of my alternate identities. I had put them in place during the war as a just in case. Each identity had a history- at least on paper. L2 had several of these identities waiting for me. I had left them in place even after the war ended- you never knew what was going to happen.  
  
Plus, no one I knew was on L2 anymore. Hilde had moved to L3 months ago and I stayed away from the salvage business. L2 had changed a bit since I'd left, been 'reformed', which was a bit funny. There were tons of programs and crap to help the populace find a better life. Sometimes it even worked.  
  
I landed a job teaching street kids computer skills at a school run by a few of the churches. I didn't think I'd be a great teacher, but I spoke the kids' language and could at least prove that these skills would be useful to them. Plus, all I had to prove to get the job was that I knew my way around a computer, the schools were that desperate for teachers.  
  
My days were busy, between teaching classes and helping out the kids, I didn't have a lot of free time. At night though, I lay in my tiny single bed and stared at the ceiling. I missed them. Gods, did I miss them. Sometimes it was all I could do not to pick up a phone and call, just to hear their voices on the machine. I wondered how they were and worried about what they were eating. Neither one was a great cook. I hoped they were safe. I didn't just miss them either. I missed Thursday lunches with Trowa and hoped that he wasn't drowning in Quatre's world. I missed trying to make Quatre laugh and hoped that he wasn't overworking himself. I hated myself for missing Hilde's wedding and hoped Howard had taken my 'little sister' down the aisle.  
  
They were my family and I wondered how I had ever gotten up the courage to leave them. I reminded myself that they were safer away from me. Happier too, I was sure. It was me who was a wreck without them.  
  
About five months after fleeing Earth, I gave into a slight temptation and sent an email message to Trowa. It was after watching a news show on Earth politics that had featured a brief clip of Quatre and Relena speaking to the Earth's leaders. Quatre had been pale and even on TV I could see the dark smudges under his eyes. I could tell that something was wrong with him.  
  
The urge to contact the guys got too strong to resist. I was lonely and longed for information- even bad news. I knew they couldn't trace it, and the address I used was on an Earth server. I picked Trowa since I couldn't think of a damn thing to say to Heero or Wufei that wasn't self- serving. Quatre looked so tired on the news and all I could think to say to him was to scold him to take better care of himself. Trowa was the easiest, so he got the email. I made it brief and breezy:  
  
_Trowa: Sorry I had to skip out on our Thursday lunches. I hope all is well with you and the guys. I miss you all very much. I saw Quatre on the news and he's looking really tired. Tell him I said to get some beauty sleep! :) Duo._  
  
I sent it off and then didn't check the box for a while. I kept talking myself out of it, imagining what would be waiting for me. Or not. I mean- maybe they didn't care. Maybe they were so mad at me that they didn't even want to respond. That thought kept my fingers from the keys for days. I finally got up enough nerve and had to laugh when I pulled up the inbox. It wasn't empty. It was almost scary how many messages were waiting for me.  
  
_Duo- Where the hell are you? Quatre is tired because he's been worried about you! How could you just go like that? Wufei and Heero are a mess! They blame themselves for driving you off. No one was going to pressure you into anything- I swear it. They were just trying to help because they care about you. Write and tell me what's going on. Please. Or better yet, come home! We miss you too, you know! Trowa_  
  
_Duo- Where have you been? We've been so worried about you! Is everything okay? Please let us know what's going on. We've missed you very much. It's not the same without you here. Heero and Wufei need you. Come back! Quatre_  
  
_Duo- Damn it- write me back !!! Trowa_  
  
_Duo- Wufei and Heero are VERY worried about you. We had to tell them that we heard from you. We couldn't keep it to ourselves. They want you to come home. We all want you back. Quatre_  
  
_Duo, why did you leave us? We wouldn't have pressured you to join the Preventers if you didn't want to. We don't care what you are. We love you. We need you. It's not the same without you here. Please come home to us. Wufei_  
  
_Duo- I swear I will hunt you down and strangle you with that braid if you don't WRITE BACK! This is not the time to STOP communicating, damnit! Trowa._  
  
_I told you that you were mine. I meant it. I don't care how far away you run or where you hide. You will always be mine._  
  
Ah hell, I never should've sent anything. I reread the messages again wondering what to do. I couldn't go back. Not ever. But I couldn't just ignore these messages either. I really hadn't left them a decent explanation when I left the first time- I had to admit that. They did deserve more.  
  
I sat in front of the computer and debated with myself. Should I or should I not reply? They were obviously worried about me. My conscience nagged and I began to type. Answer the death threats first.  
  
_Trowa: I'm sorry, but I can't come back. No one I drove me off- I left because I realized that some things about me will never change- as much as I may want them to. I've made a new life for myself and I'm content in it- except for missing and worrying about all of you. Please make Quatre and the guys get some rest. Trust me- it's better this way. I run and hide- but I don't lie. Duo_  
  
That was only slightly draining. Answer the rest. I owe them that much.  
  
_Quatre: I'm fine. Please don't worry about me anymore. Keep an eye on the guys for me and don't work too hard, all right? I saw you on TV and you looked exhausted. Take a long weekend with Trowa somewhere- I'm sure he needs some time with you. I miss you. Take care. Duo_  
  
Now for Fei. How could I explain this to him? I didn't want him to feel that he and Heero had been pressuring me. They had just wanted me with them, I could understand that- hell, I had wanted that too.  
  
_Fei: It wasn't the Preventers. It wasn't you or Heero. It's me- what I am. I never really fit in with the two of you. You are decent, honorable men who fought to help the colonies. I fought for revenge and it changed me. Believe me when I say I didn't want to hurt you. I love you and I miss you, but I know you'll be safer without me there. Take care of each other. Love always, Duo_  
  
And the hardest for last.... I remembered the first time Heero and I had slept together, how he had held me close and told me that I was his, no matter what happened after that. I was his, but he had Fei now too, and Fei was better- safer. But I couldn't lie to him either.  
  
_I am yours. Always. I know I can't escape that no matter what I do. I love you._  
  
I sent the mail with a sigh. I was never going to check that account again, so I closed it down. I signed off through all the fail-safes and firewalls that protected my passage. There was a knock on my door as I was finishing up and I froze. They couldn't have...  
  
"Mr. Howards?"A young girl's voice said tentatively on the other side of the door. I hid a smile at the name as I always did. It was still hard to get used to. I answered the door and raised my eyebrow at my neighbor's daughter.  
  
"Yes, Miss?"  
  
"I know you teach over at the church," the young girl flushed at me. "I was wondering- my brother can get me a job at the company he works for if I learn some basic computer skills. Will the priest let me join the classes?"  
  
"Of course. Meet me out front in the morning and we'll walk over together. Father Brown will agree. He takes everyone in that wants a shot. You'll have to work hard though."  
  
"Oh I will!" She flushed and smiled at me.  
  
"Great. I leave at 8, all right?" She nodded and vanished back down the hallway. I closed the door and leaned against it. I was needed here. I was needed to help these kids get off the streets, find a better life. It was a good feeling, but my heart ached.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Angsty stuff be here. Please note the time passing... It's been 2 years since Duo left.

The neighbor girl, and subsequently a group of her friends and relatives joined the school. More and more kids showed up weekly. I ended up teaching more computer classes and I started teaching mechanics as well. I was busy. Time passed quickly- soon it was almost two years to the day since I had come to work at the school. We were doing great work. We were a model for our community.  
  
I should've seen it coming.  
  
I was in the middle of one of my computer classes when the back door of the classroom opened. I glanced back quickly and saw Father Brown walk in followed by some people in suits. I knew some of the colony's government leaders were supposed to be stopping by the school- the Father was hoping that it would lead to some more funding. We were Church-owned but we took everyone in, regardless of religion, so we were eligible. I continued with the lesson, assuming that they wanted to see what kinds of things we were teaching the kids.  
  
Luckily, we were working on web design and not some of the more- unorthodox lessons I had been known to give.  
  
"All right," I gave my class my best grin as the bureaucrats filed in. "Who can tell me how we could use this knowledge in the 'real world'?"  
  
My class had been expecting that question, I asked it after every lesson. Hands shot up everywhere in the classroom.  
  
"To promote a business?"  
  
"To promote yourself- like a resume?"  
  
"To get information out!" The kids had tons of answers, some of which made me smile. We had some pretty ambitious children at the school. When the furor had died down, I gave them their homework assignment and then looked towards Father Brown.  
  
"We have some special visitors today class." He stepped towards the front of the class and I yielded the floor to him, leaning back against the board. "They came here to see what you're learning. Do you mind if they walk around and look at your pages?" Of course the kids didn't, they love showing off. The suits dispersed around the room, leaning over computers as my eager students displayed their knowledge.  
  
I moved over to help one of my students in the front row who was wrestling with her pictures on the page.  
  
"You'll have to give some up, Aimee," I told her. "You'll crash your page with that many."  
  
"But, Mr. Howards," she pouted, "they're all so cuuute!"  
  
"They are cute," a familiar voice said from the other side of the computer, "but I think Mr.- Howards is correct." I looked up and found myself face to face with Relena. I felt like someone had just whacked me on the head with a 2x4. She gave me a small smile and looked back down at Aimee. "Make several pages, instead? That way you can use all of them." Aimee grinned happily and set to work.  
  
"Very diplomatic," I started and she held out her hand.  
  
"I'm Relena Peacecraft," I shook her hand in reflex, startled. I had done nothing to change my appearance and I hadn't changed that much in two years. I knew she knew who I was. Then I realized that Father Brown had come to stand beside her.  
  
"This is Solo Howards, our computer and mechanics teacher." He introduced me to her and for once, I couldn't think of a thing to say.  
  
"You teach mechanics too?" Relena gave me a teasing smile. "That must keep you busy."  
  
"Solo likes being busy," Father Brown laughed. "He teaches day and evening classes here. We tease him that he has no life."  
  
"I hope you aren't overworking yourself," another familiar voice said by my side. I turned slightly and found myself looking at Quatre. He wasn't smiling. He was studying me intently and I found myself wanting to find the nearest hole and hide in it.  
  
"The more classes I give, the more students I can reach." I replied automatically.  
  
"Ah, Quatre," Relena cut in. "This is Solo Howards. Mr. Howards, this is Mr. Quatre Winner, a representive of L4. I know his colony has also been thinking of adding some excellent schools like yours." Father Brown beamed at her as Quatre reached out his hand to me. His fingers closed around mine tightly.  
  
"Yes, I'd love the opportunity to talk to you about your work here," Quatre said meaningfully.  
  
"Mr. H!" A panicked voice called from the back of the class. "My system crashed!!"  
  
"Ah, duty calls," I said, and slid my hand out of Quatre's as I rushed to help my student, thankful for the interruption. As I bent over my student's computer I felt the weight of an icy gaze on me. My fingers moved automatically over the keys, as I glanced up and caught sight of Heero, in full Preventers gear, standing near the back door. He was staring at me through his bangs, his eyes a cold blue. It was suddenly tough to focus on the computer in front of me.  
  
I ran through every curse word I knew even as my heart rate increased. My brain was running in little panicked circles. I glanced around, wondering if Wufei and Trowa were there as well. The room was so full, it was hard to tell. The bell rang, signaling the end of class.  
  
"All right!" I raised my voice, not lapsing in my duty, even when mentally panicking. "Don't forget, homework's due Monday!"  
  
My students filed out. I went to the front of the room to grab my case. I had a mechanics class next and I wanted to get the hell out of this room.  
  
"Thanks for letting us visit, Solo." Father Brown called to me.  
  
"No problem Father!" I called back, deciding to leave by the front door of the classroom, as Heero was still standing near the back. His eyes had not left me once. "Got to get to mech before the kids decide to start dismantling the classroom again!"  
  
"Mr. Howards," Quatre's voice stopped me cold. "Would you mind taking my aide with you? I know it wouldn't be safe to take all of us down, but I want some observations on a practical skills class." Trowa was standing next to him, and I could see the faint glint of mayhem in his one visible green eye.  
  
"Uh sure." I replied with a grin, unable to think of a way to get out of it. "As long as he doesn't mind getting dirty."  
  
"Hardly," Trowa raised an eyebrow and followed me out of the classroom.


	7. Chapter 7

We dodged around students as I led Trowa out towards the garage. Several students greeted me as we walked through the halls, which made private conversation impossible. I was glad of it. We entered the garage, and my students all looked up.  
  
"You were almost late, Mr. H!" One of them called out.  
  
"Almost!" I snapped back with a grin. "Though maybe today I should've made you wait..." There was a collective groan. "This is Mr. Barton," I gestured to Trowa, who was leaning casually by the door. "He's part of that group the Father's taking around today. He wants to see what you've learned- just like me." I gestured to the engines that sat at each table. "I want to see that engine put back together- the right way- by the end of class. Work as a group- you get points for cooperation." The students bent eagerly over the tables, intent on the task before them. I picked up my clipboard and walked around, taking notes. I wasn't going to let Trowa's presence distract me from my job- it wasn't fair to the kids.  
  
Not to mention that it gave me an excellent opportunity to avoid talking with him.  
  
I was cursing my luck. Of all the schools that the damn bureaucrats had to tour – why mine? And why did Father bring them to my class? Lady Luck must hate me.  
  
Or had it been a coincidence? I glanced at Trowa. Had they planned this? I discarded that idea. No, if they had found me sooner, they would've cornered me in my apartment, not at work.  
  
Trowa was walking around too, talking to the kids and watching them work. By the end of the hour, every table had completed their task.  
  
"Excellent work you guys. Go get cleaned up and head out," I told them with a grin. "I'll post the grades on Monday."  
  
"Going home for dinner, Mr. H? Or going by the diner? Ma says she hasn't seen ya in days. She says you're already too skinny to be eatin your own cookin." One of the girls asked on her way out with an impudent grin.  
  
"I'll try to come this weekend, Karol. But only if she's making fried chicken." I grinned back at her.  
  
"Saturday's special," Karol grinned back. "See ya, Mr. H!" Trowa had returned to his spot by the door, his eyes watching me intently as I put my papers away. I could feel myself flushing under his heavy gaze.  
  
"So, did you see what you needed to?" I asked him, fed up with the silence.  
  
"I think so." Trowa gave me an unreadable look. "Do you have evening classes tonight?"  
  
"Not on Friday," I replied, wishing I could lie.  
  
"So you aren't busy?" He pushed himself away from the wall and stalked towards me on soft feet. "Will you come have dinner with Quatre and me?"  
  
"I have an option?"  
  
"Not really," Trowa smiled faintly at me. "I could just knock you out and carry you back to the hotel, but that might look awkward for you." That made me smile despite myself.  
  
"All right," I nodded. Trowa had stopped in front of me. He reached out cautiously and gave me a hug.  
  
"I've missed you, Duo," he said into my ear. "We've all missed you." A little of my tension melted away.  
  
"I missed you too," I hugged him back. "I thought of you every Thursday." He released me and gave me another small smile.  
  
"Quatre started going with me."  
  
"Really? Good for him."  
  
"Really. Speaking of which, we'd better go find them." We walked through the now silent hallways. "This is a nice school, Duo. You're doing good things here."  
  
"I'd like to think so." I shrugged. "The Father and others try really hard to make sure that the students get the best we can give them." We walked in silence for a bit longer. I didn't know how to bring up the topic that I was really interested in. I was relieved when Trowa did it for me.  
  
"You saw Heero?"  
  
"He was hard to miss," I replied. "Is Fei here too?"  
  
"No," Trowa frowned slightly. "He quit the Preventers."  
  
"He what?" My feet stopped moving and I stared at Trowa. What the hell? I didn't think anything would've made Wufei do that. "Why?" I managed to ask. Trowa stopped in the hallway and turned his gaze on me.  
  
"He got married about a year ago." Married? Wufei is married??  
  
"What?" I think my brain short-circuited. "To who?"  
  
"Sally." Sally? Fei married Sally? I raised a hand to my head as my brain tried to process this new information. Fei married Sally?!?!  
  
"Can we rewind and start again?" I asked after a minute. Maybe I heard him wrong. "I think I missed something." Trowa frowned slightly.  
  
"You've missed a lot, Duo." There was more than a hint of reproach in his voice. That snapped me out of my daze. I met his gaze evenly.  
  
"I know it Trowa. And right or wrong, it was my choice. I did what I thought was best." I started walking again, leaving him staring after me for a moment, until he got his feet moving and followed me.  
  
Wufei was married to Sally? What the hell had happened? Why had he left Heero? Or had Heero thrown him out? I told myself firmly that it wasn't any of my business, but that didn't stop my brain. That meant that Heero had been alone- for how long? Or was he alone? Had he found someone else too? I hoped so. Maybe it was Relena. I was fighting a rising surge of jealousy. Damnit! I had left them! It didn't matter that they were with other people now. I had left! But... why weren't they together? I didn't say anything more to Trowa, I didn't want to hear that tone of reproach in his voice. I didn't want to feel guiltier than I already did. So I just moved as quickly as I could down the hallway.  
  
I wanted to go home- and in that moment I couldn't have said where it was.


	8. Chapter 8

The crowd of bureaucrats and bodyguards were in the library, admiring the works of art that our art students had created. The cafeteria had provided some of it's god-awful coffee and I mentally chuckled. That alone might get us some funding- at least for the culinary section of the school. I scanned the room quickly.  
  
Relena was talking to one of the nuns, Heero a watchful shadow over her shoulder. Quatre was a few feet away from them, talking to Father Brown. Trowa grabbed my elbow and led me over to Quatre. I was seriously thinking about just kicking Tro in the shin and running for all I was worth. The only problem was that Heero was now between me and the door.  
  
Maybe I could get out of dinner somehow?  
  
"How was it?" Quatre asked Trowa with a lift of his eyebrows.  
  
"Very impressive," Trowa replied. "I had some more things I wanted to talk to Mr. Howards about, so I invited him to dinner."  
  
"I do hope he accepted," Quatre's eyes turned to me and I saw the glint of hidden steel. Nope, no way was I going to get out of dinner. Not if I wanted to live.  
  
"Of course," I answered hastily. Relena and Heero joined us at that moment, making me want to run as far and as fast as I could. Heero's gaze fastened itself on me, and I shivered under that cold blue regard.  
  
"I'm very impressed with your school," Relena said to Father Brown with a smile. "I will definitely be recommending you for some of those bond funds, especially if you think it might help you expand."  
  
"Thank you, Miss Peacecraft," Father Brown gave her one of his warm smiles. "It was kind of all of you to come out today."  
  
"Oh, I have a vested interest in the colonies," Relena smiled wider. "I want them to do well. I do hope you'll forgive me, Father, but I need to get back to my suite. I have some important phone calls to make." She shook his hand and then turned to me. "It was a pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Howards." Her hand tightened around mine and her smile turned mischievous. "Good people like you are hard to find."  
  
"Thank you, Miss Peacecraft," I smiled back at her, acknowledging her barb.  
  
"Will I see you back at the hotel, Mr. Winner?" Relena asked as she let go of my hand.  
  
"Mr. Barton and I are going to have dinner with Mr. Howards first." Quatre said calmly. I wanted to scream. At least they hadn't all just 'outed' me as Duo Maxwell, but at this point I just wanted it over. Couldn't they just drag me out to the parking lot and beat the crap out of me?  
  
"SOLO!" A voice called from the doorway. I turned to see Sister Regina there, phone in hand. For a moment, she looked like an angel of mercy, come to rescue me. Her next words dispelled that image. "It's the hospital!"  
  
Oh shit. Several of the students had me listed as 'next-of-kin' on their emergency records. They had no one else, so either me, the Father or one of the sisters would put ourselves down on their cards. I was by the Sister's side in an instant, taking the phone out of her hands.  
  
"Howards here."  
  
"It's me," Dr. Frank replied.  
  
"What's happened?"  
  
"His card said he's Leo Yates. Drug overdose. They found him on the street about 20 minutes ago."  
  
"Dead?" I asked, heart sinking. Leo had been at school today- he was in my morning computer class. I would've noticed if he'd been absent. He'd run into a spreadsheet problem... I shook myself.  
  
"Not yet. Does he have anyone else?"  
  
"No. Just the other kids." I closed my eyes. Leo had been so excited about school- so excited about the chance. What the hell had happened? "I'll be down." There was a faint pause and I heard a voice in the background on the other end.  
  
"No need," Dr. Frank's voice changed and I heard the weariness. "He's gone. Colony takes care of the rest."  
  
"Crap." I put my hand over my eyes.  
  
"We can't save them all."  
  
"I know it, but it still sucks." He chuckled without mirth.  
  
"True enough. See ya soon Solo."  
  
"It better be at the bowling alley, Vic."  
  
"We can but hope." He hung up and I handed the phone back to Sister Regina.  
  
"Who?" She asked in a small voice.  
  
"Leo. OD. He died while we were on the phone." She gave me a tight hug.  
  
"Poor boy," she let me go and crossed herself. I wondered if she meant Leo or me.  
  
"I need to go tell his friends. Will you tell Father Brown for me?" I looked back across the room where the Father was still standing with my old friends. Was this a warning? Leo's death?  
  
"Of course, Solo. Go do what you need to do. I'll take care of this."  
  
"Thanks Sister." I rested my hand on her shoulder for a moment. Then I spun on my heel and walked out of the room.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapel first. Always. I needed to be calm to tell Leo's 'family' what had happened to him. Of course, they might already know. But I still needed to perform this duty. The tiny flame flared to life in the darkness.  
  
"Ave Maria, gratia plena," I murmured, letting the familiar syllables roll out of my mouth. Did it do any good? I didn't know if Leo had just gotten a bad dose or had OD'd on purpose. Would Mother Mary intervene for a 14-year-old kid dead by his own stupidity? Sister Helen would've said yes. That was enough to make me at least ask for her help. Leo had already met my other deity- face to face as it were.  
  
I finished and turned around, nearly running smack into Heero. I stared at him for a long moment.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I asked him, without thinking.  
  
"Not letting you out of my sight," he replied as if the answer was obvious.  
  
"Aren't you supposed to be watching Relena?" I countered.  
  
"Quatre and Trowa are with her. She's fine." He met my gaze evenly and I sighed internally. I knew that I owed Heero an explanation at the very least- but I had a duty to discharge.  
  
"I have to go- I have an errand to run."  
  
"The nun explained. I'll go with you." I almost argued, but the thought of having his company on this particular errand was comforting. Besides, what were my chances of convincing him otherwise?  
  
"All right," I agreed.  
  
We walked silently down the street. I don't know what was on his mind, but mine was a horrible mess. I stopped in front of a run-down building. The child sitting on the steps gave me a half-smile.  
  
"Hey Mr. H- you come bout Leo?"  
  
"You all heard?" The girl nodded.  
  
"Don't feel bad, Mr. H. Leo liked the stuff too much- y'know? It was gonna catch up with him sooner or later."  
  
"I didn't think he was on it anymore."  
  
"Cravin got too bad. He told Angel that he was going out for a hit- she tried to talk him out of it, but he said no- just this last time," her smile disappeared. "You know how it is."  
  
"I do. Anything I can do for you guys?"  
  
"Nah, we'll be fine. Govt takin care of Leo?"  
  
"Yep- Dr. Frank's handling it."  
  
"He's a good guy. You too, Mr. H. Thanks."  
  
"Thanks Stace. Let me know if you come up short on rent."  
  
"Will do." She rose gracefully to her feet and went inside.  
  
I turned and went back down the street, Heero a silent presence next to me.  
  
"So, do you think you killed that boy?" He asked me bluntly after a few blocks. I looked at him, startled.  
  
"I didn't sell him the drugs, Heero."  
  
"But that's why you left us, isn't it? You were afraid that we'd die."  
  
"Everyone I love dies." I told him flatly.  
  
"Everyone dies, Duo. That's how it is. It can't be just because of you." That made me stop in my tracks.  
  
"Oh?" I choked out. "It's not? Why do you think the alliance attacked the church that day? Because I stole a mobile suit from their base for the people hiding in the church."  
  
"What?" He looked at me, puzzled. "Duo, you were what- 6? 7?"  
  
"How should I know? I have no idea how old I am. But I did steal that suit and the Alliance leveled the church." I snapped.  
  
"What about Solo and the others? How is a plague your fault?" Heero changed tactics. It wasn't going to work.  
  
"I found a boy in an alleyway. He was sick and feverish so I took him to Solo. I thought Solo could help him." I stopped, fighting for control.  
  
"And instead Solo got sick?" Heero asked quietly.  
  
"Everyone got sick. Everyone but me."  
  
"Ah gods, Duo." Heero tugged me into his embrace, heedless of the fact that we were in the middle of the street where anyone could see us. I clung to him for a long moment before I pulled myself together.  
  
"We're almost home," I managed and led him the last block or so to the safety of my apartment. I unlocked the door and then locked it again behind us. Heero stood in the middle of my shabby studio apartment and looked out of place. Gods, he was gorgeous.  
  
"So, Wufei got married?" I asked him in a small voice. He turned around and regarded me thoughtfully, his expression giving nothing away.  
  
"After you left we started to fight all the time. We tried, but we just couldn't make it work." He shrugged. "It was mostly my fault, I think. It's hard to rely on anyone when one of the people that your world revolves around leaves you." His voice was matter-of-fact, his mission voice. It made me feel guilty, well, guiltier, I had expected him to just beat the crap out of me, or yell, or something other than stand in my apartment and talk to me calmly. "I kept expecting him to leave. One day he finally did."  
  
"I'm sorry, Heero." It didn't seem like enough somehow.  
  
"It's all right," Heero's mouth lifted slightly in a smile. "You never saw how Sally and Wufei were around each other at work. Even before, I used to think..." He shrugged slightly. "We weren't meant to keep him."  
  
"He's happy?" I asked cautiously.  
  
"Yes, I think he's very happy. He calls occasionally." Heero smiled faintly. "He and Sally do very well together." I found the courage to ask the next question.  
  
"Are you happy? Did you find someone?" I wasn't sure which answer I was hoping for.  
  
"No." He stepped closer to me. "I haven't been happy since you left. How could you do that to me, Duo?"


	10. Chapter 10

"How could you do that to me Duo?" The pain in those dark blue eyes was evident. Pain I had caused. This was my fault that Heero hurt so much. I hadn't wanted him to be hurt like this. I had thought he and Wufei... Heero was waiting for my answer.  
  
"I thought... I thought I was doing the right thing. I told you- everyone I love dies. I knew if I joined the Preventers... or even if I didn't..." Heero took a deep breath and reached out to touch my shoulders.  
  
"It wasn't the right thing. Do you know what it did to me? To Wufei? We were sure we had frightened you off somehow. We needed you!"  
  
"You didn't need me!" I pushed away from him. "You didn't! You and Wufei were perfect together!" I closed my mouth, appalled at what had come out.  
  
"No," Heero replied calmly. "Or we'd still be together. But you thought that didn't you?" He reached out to me again. "Despite everything we said and did, you still made yourself the outsider."  
  
"Made myself the outsider?" I repeated moving out of his reach. "Why? Because I didn't join the Preventers? Because I left? I was the outsider even before then Heero! I wasn't like the two of you." I drew in a deep breath and closed my eyes. "I'm not good or honorable or anything like the two of you... I'm death..."  
  
"Stop that!" Heero pushed me against the wall, pinning me there with his body. "You are not death! Not to me! You're my life! And you left!"  
  
"You had Wufei!"  
  
"And I love him, but he's not what you are to me! Why can't you see that?" Heero leaned closer. "You are my life! If loving you means that I'm going to die, I don't care! It would be better than just existing without you!" His mouth descended to mine, and he kissed me bruisingly.  
  
"Heero..." I managed when he let me.  
  
"I'm not letting you go again, Duo, do you hear me? I don't care if you hate me, I don't care if you take a dozen other lovers to spite me. I won't let you leave and you won't be able to drive me away. Never again!"  
  
"Heero- be reasonable," I tried, frightened by his tone.  
  
"Why? You aren't." He retorted. He had me there. "I was reasonable when I told you we should invite Wufei in to join us. I was reasonable when I tried to tell you that we'd never leave you. I was reasonable when I tried to get you to join the Preventers. Screw reasonable." He kissed me again. "My emotions are telling me to grab on to you and never let go. I'm going to follow them."  
  
He pulled me into a tight embrace. I was shaking. Heero had never been like this before. Gods, I had hurt him badly. And, oh, I wanted him with me. More than anything else in the world, I wanted him.  
  
I wrapped my arms tightly around him, knowing that I didn't want to let him go either. I wasn't strong enough to leave him again. Not after this.  
  
I clung to him and he held me, murmuring softly against my hair. "Let me stay with you. I need you..."  
  
"I'm scared, Heero..." I admitted.  
  
"I promise I won't leave you. I won't- no matter what." I looked up at him then, seeing those cobalt eyes still dark with pain.  
  
"You can't promise me that." Gods I wished he could!  
  
"I can and I will promise it- but Duo, you have to promise me the same. Swear to stay with me? Please." I couldn't resist that note of pleading inhis voice. It was drowning out my fears, my logic- I wanted to believe him.  
  
"I'll stay with you- I promise." I told him, hoping that he was right and I was wrong. Hoping we could keep that kind of promise.  
  
"You won't leave me again?"  
  
"No." We clung to each other tightly in my dark apartment. Suddenly, Heero's phone rang. He pulled back a little and smiled faintly as he tugged it out of his pocket.  
  
"Yuy," he said into the receiver. "Yeah, we're finished..... His apartment...." His smile increased slightly. "I'll ask." He looked up at me. "Trowa says that they still want to have dinner with you. Shall I tell him we're on our way?"  
  
"Uh- sure."  
  
"Yes," he said into the phone. "We'll be there soon."


	11. Chapter 11

Quatre and Trowa were waiting for us in Quatre's room. They had already ordered dinner. Heero excused himself for a moment to go check in with Relena, but he was back just a few minutes later.  
  
Quatre had been keeping the conversation on the school and what I did there until Heero came back. Then we sat around the table and I saw Quatre give Trowa a look.  
  
"Duo," Trowa leaned over the table, "you know we've missed you, right?" I nodded, unsure of where this was going. "You've missed us too?"  
  
"Yes," I answered, still not sure of what Trowa was getting at. I knew it was going to lead up to a lecture at some point- or a scolding at least. "I really am sorry..."  
  
"Duo-" Quatre stopped me this time. "Why? Why did you go? I don't understand. What spooked you so badly?" Heero shifted next to me, but I shook my head at him.  
  
"You deserve to know," I told them. And I did. I told them about Solo and the kids dying because of the boy I had brought to the safe house. I told them about the Maxwell church and how it had been my fault that it had been destroyed. My dinner sat untouched, growing cold in front of me as it spilled out. No one else ate either. Heero had heard or guessed some of it, but it was new to the others. I told them about Shinigami- how I feared that anyone who loved me died.  
  
Quatre stopped me at that one.  
  
"That day- in the bookstore- you said Suzie saw Shinigami...."  
  
"Yes." I nodded. "I hadn't- felt- that way since the war. I thought that part of me was gone- but it wasn't. It was just waiting for me to use him-it again."  
  
"And we were pushing you to use it again- to join the Preventers," Heero said softly.  
  
"I didn't want anyone to get hurt." I looked down at my plate. "I know it sounds crazy- like I need to be locked up somewhere..."  
  
Trowa laughed. "Duo, you were a gundam pilot. I think we all had to be a little certifiable to even do that job in the first place." Quatre was staring off into space, Heero had reached out to take a hold of my hand.  
  
"That's for sure," my blond friend muttered and I knew he was thinking of the Zero system. We all got quiet for a moment and the comm unit beeped, making us all jump.  
  
"Who'd be calling this late?" Trowa looked over at the unit.  
  
"That's my private code," Quatre got to his feet. "Must be one of my sisters."  
  
He flipped the switch and I heard a very familiar voice.  
  
"Quatre! Wonderful news!" Wufei. He sounded incredibly happy.  
  
"What is it Fei?" Quatre answered.  
  
"Sally's pregnant!"  
  
"That's great news!" Quatre gushed back. Trowa got to his feet and went to lean over Quatre's shoulder to congratulate Wufei. I glanced at Heero. He was smiling, no signs of distress.  
  
"You okay, Heero?' I asked him, slipping my hand into his.  
  
"Fine, Duo," his smile warmed even more as he looked at me. "I'm just fine now. Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah," I could still hear Fei talking happily. "You're right, he sounds really happy. I'm glad for him." Heero raised my hand to his lips and kissed it gently.  
  
"So, how's the L2 tour going?" I heard Fei ask.  
  
"Well, we had an interesting discovery..." Trowa glanced my way and arched an eyebrow in a question. I nodded back.  
  
"Didn't you go to the schools today?"  
  
"Yes. We met a very interesting teacher, invited him to dinner. He teaches computers and mechanics to the students." Quatre answered.  
  
"Sounds talented. Trying to steal him for your school on L4?" Wufei teased. I gave Heero's hand a squeeze and got to my feet.  
  
"I hadn't actually thought of that," Quatre replied. "But I don't intend to let him slip through my fingers." I sat down next to Quatre and looked at the screen.  
  
"Fei," I said, as he gaped at me. "It's good to see you." Wufei stared at me for nearly a full minute before he found his voice.  
  
"Duo?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone remarks that Fei seems OOC here, please keep in mind that not only is he a stoic kind of guy- but also that he and Duo have an audience. Keep that in mind.

"Duo?" Fei found his voice.  
  
"It's me," I confirmed, inwardly squirming. Fei tends to- rant. I was expecting him to launch into one at any second.  
  
"Has Heero seen you?" He said it in such a gentle tone that I didn't- couldn't respond right away. "Duo- you need to see Heero. Please."  
  
"I've seen him," I answered, finding my voice. "He's here."  
  
"You talked with him?" I nodded. Why wasn't Fei ranting? This was really- odd to say the least. "Duo, gods, please tell me that you're going to stay with him. Tell me you worked it out. Or," and his voice hardened and became more of what I was expecting, "I will come up there and beat the crap out of you." I know my eyes widened. "He needs you more than anything or- anyone else." That was definitely bitter. "Duo, answer me!"  
  
"I talked to him," I replied in response to the pleading in his voice. "I need him too."  
  
"That's not a yes Duo!"  
  
"Yes, it is. I promise Fei. I'm staying with him this time." I saw relief and a bit more of that bitterness play over Fei's face for a moment.  
  
"He missed you so much, Duo." Fei's mouth quirked in a smile. "I did too. They told you...?"  
  
"About Sally?" I nodded. "I'm glad for you Fei- I really am. Heero said that you were happy- you are, aren't you?" Fei's smile widened a bit.  
  
"Very much so. More now than before. You heard?" I smiled back.  
  
"I did. I hope you are fussing over that woman of yours. She's going to have her hands full with two Changs."  
  
"As much as she'll let me." Sally's face appeared next to Wufei's.  
  
"He's driving me crazy, Duo! Tell him that I can take care of myself!" I laughed for her.  
  
"Nope. Pregnant women need to be taken care of."  
  
"I agree," Quatre joined back in the conversation. "Enjoy it while it lasts, Sally."  
  
"Men!" Sally huffed and vanished.  
  
"I'd better go see where she wandered off to," Wufei told us. "She has a tendency to go and do things that she knows will give me a coronary."  
  
"We'll talk to you soon, then," Quatre nodded.  
  
"Bye Fei." I told him.  
  
"You'll keep in touch, Duo?" He asked me, black eyes narrowing.  
  
"Yes," I assured him with a faint smile. "Didn't you hear Quatre? They aren't letting me out of their sight."  
  
"Good. I want to talk to you more- later- all right?" I saw the hurt look in his eye and I understood what Fei was asking. He wanted to talk without the audience- to hear the explanation I'd given Heero. He deserved to hear it.  
  
"All right. I'll call you soon Fei. Go keep an eye on your wife." He smiled.  
  
"Thanks Duo. I'll talk to you soon."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Angst.
> 
> Since the last part was so short, this one is a bit longer than usual to make up for it.

  
  
I went back to Heero who was waiting for me with open arms. I sat in his lap and let him hold me, heedless of our audience. I needed to be held and I didn't care what Quatre or Trowa thought.  
  
"I'm glad he's happy," I told Heero.  
  
"I know Duo. I understand," he replied softly, his hand stroking my braid soothingly.  
  
I was glad Fei was happy. He was happier with Sally than he'd ever been with us. I could see it just in that few moments of conversation.  
  
And that hurt. Hell if I knew why.  
  
In addition- if I had seen it sooner- before I left- would I have panicked like I did? Would I have left knowing that Heero was not really what Fei wanted?  
  
I was confused. I had thought that I had left because people who were close to me died and I hadn't wanted that to happen to Fei or Heero. That was part of the reason- but not all. What Heero said came back at me- had I left also because I had made myself the outsider?  
  
"It's getting late," Heero murmured into my ear.  
  
"I know." I sat up and looked down at him. "Do you want me to stay here? I don't want you to get in trouble with Relena or Une."  
  
Oh- what about classes on Monday? If I stayed with Heero he'd more than likely want to go back to Earth. I was willing but I couldn't just leave the school without some warning. And when were they scheduled to leave L2? Why hadn't I thought about all this earlier?  
  
"We'll go to your place. Relena won't mind. I already told her I'd be back in the morning. We have a full team here so she's fine." Heero assured me. I wanted to ask him about the rest, but it didn't seem to be a good time.  
  
I mean what was I going to say? Uh, I know I promised never to leave you again, but we both have obligations we just can't ditch and it might be a few weeks before I can do that whole 'never leave you' thing. Yeah, that would go over well.  
  
"We'll see you both in the morning then," Quatre agreed. I got up and accepted his tight hug. "We're glad your back Duo. We'll talk more later, okay?"  
  
"Okay," I agreed as he let me go.  
  
Trowa also hugged me again after telling Heero that he would do the security checks for Relena as well as Quatre before he went to bed.  
  
+  
  
Heero took us back to my apartment. We didn't talk much on the way there- I was worrying about how to keep my promise to him and yet not abandon my job here. I don't know what he was thinking of.  
  
My tiny apartment was still drab and dull, even more so after Quatre's suite and nothing like the house I had shared with Heero and Wufei.  
  
"What happened to the house?" I asked suddenly.  
  
"We sold it. Your share is in an account on Earth."  
  
"Oh," I felt a slight pang. I had really loved that house. It had been my first real home- and I had left it. I looked at Heero. He had moved over to the window and was staring at the street below. Was he regretting being here with me? Was he too thinking of the probabilities?  
  
"Come here Duo," He held out a hand to me and I joined him by the window. His arms closed tightly around me. "Talk to me. What's wrong?"  
  
"How are we going to do this Heero? I can't just up and leave the school. You can't just abandon Relena and your job. I know I promised to stay with you, and I meant it, but I don't see..."  
  
"Stop." His arms tightened. "I meant it when I said I had no intention of letting you go again."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No. I will find a way to make it work, Duo. I am not going to give you an opportunity to slip out of this!" He snapped.  
  
"I wasn't looking for one!" I snapped back. "I'm trying to find a way to make it work, damn it!"  
  
"I'm sorry," he apologized quickly.  
  
"No. I can't blame you for not trusting me." He didn't trust me. I knew he didn't and it hurt, but I had no one to blame but myself.  
  
"I'll try," he told me. "But..."  
  
"I know." I didn't want to have that discussion. "But how are we going to do this Heero? How long is Relena scheduled to be here?"  
  
"We're supposed to head back to Earth tomorrow. She has some huge meetings in Tokyo starting tomorrow night and then my team delivers her back to Sank late Tuesday."  
  
"I have classes next week." I told him. "And we don't exactly have subs..." Heero sighed.  
  
"I know. Father Brown showed Relena the books. You guys are working on a shoestring budget."  
  
"More like a thread." I laughed.  
  
"Quatre and Trowa are scheduled to be here for the next week. Quatre has business meetings. I..." he paused.  
  
"Whatever you need me to do Heero." I turned in his arms and met his eyes. "I promised not to run again and I won't. If you want me to stay where they can see me I will. "  
  
He bit his lip and I could see the struggle going on behind his eyes. "I don't mind, honestly. If it will earn your trust back even a little, I'll do it." I told him.  
  
"Stay with them after I leave?"  
  
"If that's what you want- yes. Anything."  
  
"Oh Duo." He pulled me even closer to him and I felt him sigh. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too," I told him again. "Always."  
  
I took him to bed with me then, wanting to reassure him, needing to touch. It had been so long...  
  
Afterwards he curled up next to me and I nearly cried to hear the familiar request.  
  
"Duo, talk to me?"  
  
"About what Heero?" I managed.  
  
"Anything you want."  
  
+  
  
The next morning I got up and dressed way earlier than usual so that I could accompany Heero back to the hotel. He went to check on Relena after dropping me off with Quatre and Trowa. It was almost like being turned over to babysitters, but I didn't complain. Trowa and I helped Quatre go through a huge amount of his correspondence, and before I knew it, several hours had passed.  
  
"Duo," Heero spoke my name from the doorway. Relena was with him and she gave me an impish grin.  
  
"Good to see you Duo." She gave me a brief kiss on the cheek and sauntered over to ask Quatre about some housing project. Heero grinned at my expression. Relena had always been polite, but she had really loosened up since the last time I had seen her. I wondered why.  
  
"We're leaving in a few minutes," Heero said to me. "I'll call you tonight. I've already contacted Une. I'll be back here by Wednesday."  
  
I blinked at him.  
  
"I thought it would be best if I moved here." He explained, prompted no doubt by my expression. I blinked again. "Your school needs more teachers and Father Brown agreed to let me take over some of the engineering and computer classes."  
  
You ever get the feeling that you're in the middle of a play and someone changed the script without telling you? I must've looked really interesting since Quatre and Relena stopped whatever they were talking about and started to giggle at me instead. Even Trowa grinned. Heero growled at them and tugged me out into the privacy of the hallway. "Duo? Is it okay?"  
  
"You're moving here?" I felt something loosen in my chest.  
  
"I know how important your job is to you Duo."  
  
"But- what about the Preventers?"  
  
"It hasn't been the same." Heero met my eyes and I bit my lip. "I want to work with you this time. I'll still be making a difference after all. Okay?"  
  
"Okay," I agreed, still stunned that he was doing this for me. I reached out and hugged him. "Thanks Heero. You don't know what this means to me."  
  
"Just keep your promise to me Duo. You won't run away from me again- right?" He was tense in my arms.  
  
"I won't run away, Heero, not again. I won't leave you. We promised- right? " Kind of silly to tell someone that who was leaving in a few minutes- but he wasn't going to be long and I would be right here when he got back. I owed Heero this.  
  
"Right. I'll be back on Wednesday." He kissed me fiercely  
  
"I'll be here." I told him when he let me.  
  
He collected Relena and they headed out. I rejoined Trowa and Quatre, once again sorting through correspondence. I was actually happy that Quatre had so much. It kept me too busy to think that Heero was gone and it kept them too busy to talk to me.  
  
We were just about finished when one of Quatre's staff came in, her face pale. "Mr. Winner sir..."  
  
"What is it Miss Conners?" The girl shook her head and flipped on the vidscreen. A news channel popped up. The news announcer was a pretty brunette, her voice a pleasing alto. But what was she saying?  
  
"The shuttle is confirmed to be that of Vice Minister Darlien. The pilot apparently lost control over the Atlantic and the shuttle dropped off of radar. An attempt to re-establish contact with the shuttle failed. Search parties have already been sent but with the freezing temperatures in that section of the ocean...."  
  
No. He promised me.... No.....


	14. Chapter 14

Trowa swore. "It's beat to hell," he muttered. I heard him and looked closer at the shuttle. I sat down on the couch in front of the TV, legs weak. 'Beat to hell' was an understatement. But it was in one piece. Wufei was right. I shouldn't give up on Heero yet. I'd seen him survive worse, after all. The doors weren't open, there was no sign of anyone around it, but basic survival training always said to stay with or near the wreck if possible.  
  
"Must've been a hell of a landing." Sally said over my shoulder. She was leaning over the back of the couch, the transmitter next to her ear still.  
  
The picture on the TV suddenly switched to a news anchor. I yelped and Fei swore.  
  
"They can't show what happens when the rescue crew goes in," Sally explained patiently. "Lu says that they're landing right now."  
  
Fei reached out and took the transmitter away from her and walked away. I could hear him snapping at Noin. She was probably snapping back- at least I hoped she was. He began to pace, up and down and I nearly grinned. Fei always paced when he was worried. He tended to rant then too. I hoped Lu was up for it.  
  
Trowa had gone off to join Quatre by the phone. I could hear the two of them talking in quiet voices, but I couldn't make out the specific words. Sally was still leaning over my shoulder. I looked up and frowned at her, noting the dark circles under her eyes. I suddenly remembered and kicked myself.  
  
"Come sit," I told her, patting the sofa next to me. "You should be resting."  
  
"I'm not a piece of china," she complained, but came to sit anyway. I saw her eyes go to where Wufei was walking up and down, muttering into the transmitter.  
  
"No," I agreed. "But it will make us men feel like we're doing something useful if one of us fusses over you."  
  
"Now you sound like Fei," she complained. "I never thought he was overprotective or fussy, until I told him I was pregnant." Her eyes followed her husband and I saw her smile. She'd never admit it, but I suspected that Sally liked being fussed over.  
  
I saw Fei catch her eye and smile back at her. I turned to face Sally and saw that she had moved her gaze to me. "Thanks for letting him....uh..." I told her, wondering how to phrase the rest of the sentence. She knew what I meant, luckily for me.  
  
"I wouldn't keep him away, Duo. I know how important the two of you are to him. You two needed him- and he... well, Wufei needs to be needed." That made me pause and I realized that she was right.  
  
"Yeah, he does. I never realized it..." I met her gaze and smiled for her. "You really are good for him Sally. I don't want that to sound patronizing, but..."  
  
She chuckled. "I get it Duo. He's good for me too." Her eyes went back to Wufei and lingered. "I like to think that everything worked out for the best- especially now that you're back." She paused and lowered her voice. "Fei loved Heero so much- it hurt him that Heero didn't trust that love after you left. I think it made him realize that your love for each other wasn't... balanced enough to work." There was no malice in her tone, just a simple statement of fact.  
  
I understood what she meant. I loved Fei, but I loved Heero more. Fei had loved Heero more too. Heero loved me more. If I hadn't left I wondered if we would ever have realized it. Would it have changed things eventually anyways? I remembered what Heero had said about Fei- that we weren't meant to keep him. Looking at the way Fei looked at his wife, I agreed with Heero.  
  
Sally reached out and put her hand on mine. I squeezed her fingers. She and I sat quietly hand in hand for a long moment.  
  
"Duo," Fei was suddenly next to me, handing me the transmitter. I looked up at him and saw the hint of tears in his eyes. Oh no. My hand shook as it reached out for the transmitter. I felt Sally's hand tighten on mine.  
  
"Lu?" I said into the tiny receiver, my voice shaking despite my efforts to control it. .  
  
"Duo," Heero's voice was hoarse, but it was unmistakably him. "You didn't think I forgot my promise?"


	15. Chapter 15

He promised me! He said that he wouldn't leave me! They all leave me. They all die- and it's my fault! He's gone. I killed him. I knew it. They all die. Everyone that loves me dies. Why? It hurts... it hurts so much....  
  
_"You're mine. Always. I never want to be without you."_  
  
I didn't want to be without you Heero, but it was safer that way... You were safer away from me. I should've run farther, should've thrown my miserable self out an airlock, should've run the other way when I saw you in the back of my classroom.  
  
But I had missed you so much. I was weak. I needed you...  
  
Quatre was talking to me. I think he was, anyway. I could hear his voice but I couldn't make out the words. I pulled my legs up closer to my chest, buried my head in my arms. I didn't want to deal with Quatre- well meaning Quatre. He couldn't tell me that this wasn't my fault. I had killed Heero.  
  
_"I promise I won't leave you. I won't- no matter what."_  
  
_"You can't promise me that."_  
  
_"I can and I will promise it-_   
  
The pain surged up again at the memory of Heero's words to me and I couldn't hear Quatre anymore. I curled in on myself, not wanting to reach out beyond my small pain-filled world. God knew who I'd kill next.  
  
_"You are my life! If loving you means that I'm going to die, I don't care! It would be better than just existing without you!"_  
  
Shinigami heard that. You did, didn't you my hated deity? You heard him say that to me, heard his promise and took him away just to show that I will never be free of you! I hate you! When I find you in hell you'll pay for this!  
  
My emotions are telling me to grab on to you and never let go. I'm going to follow them.  
  
I should never have let you go! I should've held on to you! Heero... oh gods... Leave me alone! Your voice is in my head, I can feel your body against mine, but you aren't real! I lost you. You left me.  
  
I'm not letting you go again, Duo, do you hear me?   
  
Let go...gone... he's gone.  
  
And I'm alone again.  
  
+  
  
I don't know how long I stayed in that world with only my memories of Heero's voice to keep me company, to torment me. It was a touch that pulled me back to the real world.  
  
A hand touched my back, stroked down my braid. A familiar caress.  
  
"Duo, please, please, you have to listen to me." A familiar voice. A voice I loved. "Duo? I need you to talk to me, beloved. Can you hear me? Duo, I need you to look at me. I'm here for you."  
  
The voice was pleading, gentle and hopeful. I couldn't refuse that voice's requests. It wasn't Heero's voice, but the one I loved almost as well.  
  
I raised my head and looked up into Fei's eyes. He was standing in front of me, looking concerned.  
  
"Fei?"  
  
"It's me," he smiled faintly. He held out his arms to me and I flung myself into his embrace, shaking.  
  
"I killed him, Fei... I killed him...." Oh gods! What was I doing? I can't touch him! I flung myself backwards, tripping over my feet.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
"Get away!" I snapped at him. "Do you want to die too?" Before I could scramble to my feet, Wufei reached down and hauled me up.  
  
"Duo," his voice was soft, even as his fingers wrapped tightly around my arms. "Have you given up on Heero already?"  
  
"The shuttle..."  
  
"Dropped off the radar, yes. But they have not found anything yet. No sign of a crash, nothing. Don't you dare give up on Heero this easily." Fei shook me a bit. "If there is a way in hell for him to survive and come back to you, he'll do it."  
  
_"I promise I won't leave you. I won't- no matter what."_  
  
"Don't give up on him, Duo." Fei pulled me back into his arms and I held on to him tightly. "Not yet."  
  
I leaned into Fei's strength and tried to relax. They hadn't found anything yet. How long had they been searching? And...?  
  
"How did you get here?" I pulled away from Fei and blinked up at him.  
  
"It pays to still be in good with the Preventers," he grinned. "Sally and I borrowed a shuttle."  
  
"Borrowed a shuttle?" I repeated. I heard Sally's laugh ring out. Turning, I discovered her perched on the desk, a small transmitter held up toher ear.  
  
"Sounds better than commandeered," she smiled at me. "Lu's with one of the search and rescue teams, she's keeping me updated."  
  
"You aren't with them?" I asked without thinking.  
  
Sally slid off the desk and approached me. "You needed us more Duo." She said and I saw her eyes flick to her husband. I reached out and hugged her then.  
  
"Thank you Sally," I told her. She hugged me back, shared some of her strength with me.  
  
"You're welcome Duo." She let me go and wandered over to where Trowa was flipping stations on the TV. I saw water and headlines about the missing shuttle go by.  
  
"They haven't found anything?" I turned back to Fei.  
  
"Nothing yet. They aren't exactly sure where the shuttle went down. There's was a storm in the area- it might have messed with the radar and the radio transmissions." He smiled for me again. "It's not the time to give up hope."  
  
Before I could respond to that, Quatre let out a whoop. He was in the corner on a phone and I hadn't noticed him before.  
  
"Trowa! Station 20!"  
  
I moved closer to the TV. The picture showed a battered looking shuttle half-buried on a beach, it's nose in the sand.


	16. Chapter 16

"Duo," Heero's voice was hoarse, but it was unmistakably him. "You didn't think I forgot my promise?" I closed my eyes, my fingers tightening around the tiny transmitter.  
  
He was alive.  
  
"Heero..." was all I could manage at first. I felt Sally's hand let go of mine and her arm slipped around me instead. "You're okay?"  
  
"A bit bruised," he chuckled for me. "I'll be fine. Better off than some. Relena broke some ribs in the crash, some of the others have broken limbs."  
  
"Nobody died?" I had to ask.  
  
"No." Heero assured me gently. "We're being transported to Sank. I'll be back up there as soon as the hospital clears me, okay?"  
  
"What about Relena?"  
  
"Once she's back in Sank my mission's over remember? She'll be fine, she has tons of guards there." He dropped his voice. "In fact Duo, she ordered me to go once I could. She knew you'd be worried." Relena was my new favorite person.  
  
"Tell her thank you."  
  
"I will. I have to go love, but I'll see you soon, okay? I love you."  
  
"I love you too." I handed the receiver back to Sally. She took it with a smile and spoke into it, apparently talking to Noin again. I closed my eyes, letting the happiness wash through me. He was alive.  
  
"You okay now Duo?" A hand touched my knee. I opened my eyes. Quatre was kneeling in front of me.  
  
"Yeah," I smiled for him and yawned. "What time is it?"  
  
"Early Sunday," Quatre nodded towards the window. "Why don't you go get some sleep Duo, okay?" I was tired.  
  
"Okay, but don't let me sleep too long. I've got classes on Monday."  
  
+  
  
I did sleep for a long time. Emotional stress will do that to you. I still wouldn't be totally content until Heero was where I could see him again, but I would manage okay until he got here.  
  
Trowa came in to wake me up Monday morning. I managed a quick shower and was happy to see that Quatre had gotten me some fresh clothes. Quatre was already deep in meetings by the time I was heading off for school.  
  
"You need a lift?" Wufei asked me as I scurried through the main room.  
  
"Sure," I grabbed a bagel off the table and grinned at him.  
  
"I'll be right back," Fei kissed Sally's cheek and followed me out the door.  
  
It wasn't until we were in the elevator that I realized that now was probably a good time to give Fei the long explanation of why I left. I mentally braced myself as I followed him off the elevator and to his rental car.  
  
"What's wrong Duo?" Fei asked me as I buckled myself in.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"You're frowning," he raised an eyebrow at me. "Heero will be heading back up here this evening at the latest. You aren't worried are you?"  
  
"Of course I am," I met his eyes for a moment. "I won't be okay until I see him."  
  
Wufei nodded, his eyes on the road as he backed the car out. "I understand Duo. I'm looking forward to seeing him myself."  
  
"Do you- see him often now?" I asked and then mentally smacked myself.  
  
"Not really." Wufei glanced at me. "Once I left the house we didn't spend a lot of time together. It was too painful. I called him occasionally after a while, but that's really been it."  
  
"I'm sorry Fei. If I hadn't run off..."  
  
"I might not have found the courage to leave." Fei's voice was soft. "Heero and I tried to make it work after..." he stopped and shook his head. "Correction. I tried to make it work. Heero simply closed himself off. We fought all the time- well, I yelled and he froze me out. It affected our work, it changed everything."  
  
"I'm..."  
  
"No. Quatre and Trowa explained to me what reasons you gave for your absence. I myself saw how you reacted when you thought Heero was dead. I can not blame you for wishing to keep us safe, even though I think you ran because you were feeling left out. And that I cannot blame you for either. We should've noticed- the signs were there."  
  
I made myself the outsider- that's what Heero had said. "I should've said something," I protested.  
  
"Mistakes were made on all sides," Fei agreed. "But, hopefully we can now say that it all worked out for the best. Heero and you have found each other again. You both seem willing to try to make this relationship work- and I for one, hope that you do. I have Sally now, and nothing can make me regret her."  
  
"I'm glad to hear you say that Fei." I smiled at him as he pulled up in front of the school. "I think you two were meant to be."  
  
"Even as I think you and Heero are. Promise me that you will work on keeping your relationship with him intact, and I will be content."  
  
"I promise it." I reached out and hugged him tightly for a moment. "Friends?"  
  
"Always," he let me go and grinned. "Now don't you have work or something?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah..." I unbuckled my seatbelt and opened the car door.  
  
"One of us will be by for you at the end of the day. You have an evening class right?"  
  
"Finishes at 7," I told him. "Thanks Fei!" I hopped out of the car and headed towards the school.  
  
Classes went normally, and it was a relief. I had to focus on my work, not on the clock, so I managed not to go completely crazy waiting to get some word from Heero. If I hadn't been at school, I would've been a nervous wreck.  
  
My evening class went quickly and as the last of the students filed out the door and I grabbed my things, a familiar voice made me stop in my tracks.  
  
"Miss me?" Heero stood in the back doorway of my classroom, grinning.  
  
A moment later I had thrown my arms around him, reveling in the feeling of his body against mine. He was alive. He was here with me.  
  
"Oh Duo," he murmured into my ear, and I realized that I was shaking. "It's all right love." I just clung tight to him and let the sound of his voice wash over me.  
  
"Have you seen the others?" I pulled back a bit.  
  
"Of course. Sally and Fei had to head back home, but I did see them for a few minutes. Quatre and Trowa want to see us for dinner in a few days. But right now, we can go home."  
  
"You're really sure about this?" I asked him. "It's a big change."  
  
"As long as you're with me, I don't care what we do," he told me and took me home.  
  
+  
  
Relena was as good as her word. Our school got more funds. We were able to reach more kids, help more of them develop needed skills. Heero was an excellent teacher and did very well with the students.  
  
After six months of living in my dinky apartment, Heero suggested that we take our share of the funds from the sale of the old house and buy one on L2. We found one not far from the school. It's smaller than our other house, but we don't need as much space. The school doesn't care about our private lives, though we do try and keep it somewhat discrete. It's more like an open secret among the students and staff.  
  
Fei and Sally had their baby. She's a sweet little girl with her mother's determination and her father's stubbornness. They all come and visit sometimes.  
  
It wasn't an easy thing for Heero and I at first. He didn't like for me to be out of his sight for too long, and I chafed a bit under his constant supervision. We had some hellacious fights, and more than once it was only my promise to him that kept me there. I sometimes think the same was true for him. He let up eventually, though I still have small panic attacks if he takes too long at the store or runs late getting home and he still wanders by my classroom more than once a day to check on me.  
  
Even though it all worked out okay, I realize that I never should've taken my motto to heart so well. The 'what ifs' haunt me still.  
  
Shinigami sometimes surfaces in my dreams, but he has not come out to play again. I hope he never does.  
  
If something happens to Heero then I will keep my promise to him. I promised to stay by him always, no matter what.  
  
And I will.  
  
end

(don't miss the mini-sequel in the next chapter)


	17. Run and Hide ( mini-sequel )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HeeroxDuo, Lemony

I'm in the middle of a lecture when I feel his eyes on me. I look up towards the door of my classroom and catch Heero watching me. I don't pause in my spiel; I only raise an eyebrow at him. His class ends earlier than mine, so it's not a surprise to see him there, but mine still has twenty minutes to go. I glance towards the clock.  
  
He nods, a faint smile curving his lips, and slips away again. I know that he didn't expect me to be finished. He was just making sure I was still here.  
  
It's been rough these last eight months or so. As much as I have loved having Heero with me, loved house hunting, moving into our place, having him with me everyday at work, it's been hard too.  
  
Heero doesn't entirely trust me yet.  
  
I can't blame him. I did run away. I was gone for two years before he found me again and that was only a fluke- Relena had come to visit the little church funded school that I work at here on L2.  
  
But at the same time we've talked about it. He knows why I ran, why I thought he and Fei would be better off without me. He knows that I have promised not to run again and he knows I don't lie.  
  
But he still checks up on me constantly.  
  
He walks by my classroom several times a day. When classes are over he's always right by the door, waiting for me to grab my case and go home with him.  
  
He hasn't let me go to the store or run an errand by myself. He's gone without me, but unless he's just gone down to the corner store, he'll call me at least once while he's out.  
  
It's suffocating.  
  
But I can't blame him for it. I hurt him- and Fei- so badly when I left. I thought they'd be happier without me. They were perfect together- or so I thought.  
  
Now Fei is with Sally, who is due to give birth any minute now, and Heero is with me. He left the Preventers, left Earth, left everything and moved here. Got a job at my school...  
  
I know Heero loves me. I love him too, but I don't know how long I can do this...  
  
But he's so afraid of losing me- and that's my fault.  
  
Class ends, and Heero is by the door, his case in hand, ready to go home.  I pick my case up off the table and join him by the door.  
  
I lock my classroom door and follow him down the hallway quietly.  
  
Do I bring it up again? That he's suffocating me?  
  
Or will that just terrify him more- like it did last time?  
  
Last time, when I had slipped out to get the mail and spent a few moments chatting with our neighbor- and gone back inside to find Heero frantic, because he had just realized that I wasn't in the house and I hadn't told him that I was just getting the mail.  
  
"Tell me when you leave!" He'd snapped.  
  
"I just went to get the mail!" I had snapped back, temper already frayed from his constant supervision. "All you had to do was look out the window!"  
  
"It only would've taken a moment!"  
  
"Heero! Goddamnit! If you don't stop suffocating me like this..." I paused, realizing that I couldn't finish the sentence.  
  
I didn't need to- Heero knew what I was going to say. "Then you'll leave again. You'll break all your promises to me and run!"  
  
"I said I wouldn't!"  
  
"But you want to!"  
  
"Because you're driving me crazy! I know you don't trust me, but quit acting like I'm your prisoner!"  Heero stared at me for a moment and I mentally cursed myself. That didn't sound right...  
  
He turned and walked out of the room.  
  
Damn it. I gritted my teeth in frustration, counting to ten silently in my head.  
  
Then I followed Heero. He was in the kitchen, pulling out ingredients.  
  
"We're missing the cheese," he said, not looking at me, "I'll be right back."  
  
Before I could open my mouth, he was out the door.  
  
I debated chasing after him for a moment.  
  
No, we needed the space.  
  
He came home a quarter of an hour later, and apologized to me.  
  
I had apologized too- and he had eased up a little.  
  
A little- not immediately panicking when I go out to get the mail for example- but not a lot.   
  
How long do I have to do this for? How long until he trusts me again?  
  
I know I'm not being fair. If I was in his shoes and he was the one who ran, once I found him again I'd tie him up somewhere for a long time.  
  
I wonder if Heero's considered that. Maybe I'm luckier than I realize.  
  
"Duo?" Heero asks me as we got closer to home. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"Nah," I smile for him. "Long day, that's all."  
  
I can't talk to him about this. It will panic him again. I need to be patient. I need to remember that I brought this on myself.  
  
I need a break.  
  
I'm not thinking of...? No, I can't. Not even for a few hours.  
  
Plus, I have forgotten something very very important.  
  
Heero opens the door for us. I follow him inside placing my case on the floor in the hallway as he locks the door behind us.  
  
The next thing I know, I'm pressed up against the wall, Heero's body holding me in place, one of his hands wrapped in my braid, the other holding my hands above my head.  
  
Damn, he's fast.  
  
And I've forgotten how well he knows me, especially now after nearly a year of spending practically every moment in each other's company.  
  
His mouth touches my throat. "You're hiding something."  
  
"I don't have to tell you everything," I counter, and he nips me. Not hard enough to hurt, just enough to tell me that he isn't happy with my answer.  
  
It's almost enough to really piss me off.  
  
But Heero knows that too.  
  
The nip is followed by a swipe of his tongue and then the warm press of his lips. The hand holding my braid begins to undo the buttons of my shirt, teasing me with the brush of my own hair against my skin and I can't help but moan. Heero knows too well how to arouse me.  
  
His lips move to mine, licking and teasing, his tongue sliding inside my mouth, exploring and gentle, even as his hand slides further down between our bodies.  
  
The wall behind me vanishes and I'm tugged down the hallway, towards our bedroom, Heero's hands removing my clothing as we go and apparently his as well, since when we fall on the bed together, he only has his shirt left on.  
  
I'm not complaining- at least not at first. When he uses the shirt to tie my hands to the bed frame I manage to pull myself together a bit.  
  
"What are you doing?" I demand.   
  
"We're going to talk." He slides further down in the bed, parting my legs, pinning me to the bed with his body.  
  
"Like this?" Talking is not the first thing on my mind at the moment.  
  
"Like this," he nods and bends his head to my chest, his mouth finding a nipple. "What is bothering you?"  
  
"Nothing." His teeth press down, making me arch against him.  
  
"Don't believe you."  
  
"Heero- it's nothing..." His mouth moves farther down my body, finds something to keep it occupied, and my mind temporarily vacates the premises.  
  
I close my eyes and let the sensations build up, familiar and exciting, and...  
  
And then they stop. I manage to pry my eyes open, trying to catch my breath, wondering why he stopped...  
  
Heero rubs a cheek against my thigh. "What is bothering you?"  
  
"Heero!" He stops now? I will kill him as soon as I get this damn knot free...  
  
"Duo, if you tell me, I'll do this..." And that mouth of his makes a brief visit. "If not..." his mouth touches the inside of my thigh. "You have a lot of skin I don't think I've gotten to taste recently..."  
  
"Evil..." I gasp, feeling his teeth.  
  
"Where you and I are concerned, yes. You knew that already Duo. I will not let anything come between us again. So tell me."  
  
His mouth gives me another reminder. My blood feels like it's caught fire. Damn him.  
  
"You... don't trust me yet. I want you to trust me. I want to be able to go on errands by myself again... I love you. I don't want to leave..."  
  
"But you will if I don't give you space again?" His hands join his mouth, making me writhe for a too-brief moment.  
  
"No. I'll stay, I don't care, I just get that suffocated feeling... I'm sorry. I know I don't deserve your trust yet..."  
  
His hands and mouth move to the one part of my body that wants them the most, leaving me weak and gasping and unable to think clearly anymore...  
  
Then he's moved higher in the bed, freeing my hands, finding the place he prepared for himself between my legs.  
  
"I'm sorry," he murmurs in my ear as he slides inside me. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to do it. I know I'm suffocating you... but..."  
  
I wrap my legs around him, taking him deeper. "It's my fault..."  
  
"It's our fault." He rests his head against my forehead for a moment. "I don't want you to leave me because of this. Help me..." He's inside me completely now and I have to take a deep breath. He waits, letting me adjust to him.   
  
"I run and hide, Heero, but I don't lie." I rock my hips against his, encouraging him to move. "Remember that too. I love you. I won't leave you again. I promise..."  
  
And then I don't have the breath to spare for words. So I show Heero how much I love him the best that I can.  
  
When we finish, he rolls off of me and gives me a faint smile. "Hungry?"  
  
I smile for him. "Starved. Do we have anything to cook?"  
  
"No- tomorrow is grocery day."  
  
"Should we call for something? Or do you want to run down to the corner and bring back some food for us?" There's a good take-out food place only a block or so down. Heero's often run out for food for us there when we're too tired to cook.  
  
"Why don't you go?" His smile gets slightly wider as I blink at him. "I'm pretty comfortable right here."  
  
"Are you sure?" I ask before I slide out of bed.  
  
"Yes."  
  
I get up, quickly wash and throw my clothes on quickly, half-worried that he might change his mind, but more concerned about getting there and back quickly so that Heero isn't worried for too long.  
  
He's propped up against the pillows, book in hand when I emerge from the bathroom. "I'll be right back," I tell him. "You want your usual?"  
  
"Please," he says, and I can see the lines of tension in his body as he holds himself in that casual position for me. I realize then how much he trusts me, even as he fears what I might do.  
  
I lean over and kiss him. "I promise- right back."  
  
It's a small step, but that's okay. I'll take whatever I can get. Heero's peace of mind is worth it.  
  
end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: if you've found this note before you read the fic, it means you REALLY need to know your pairings. So--
> 
> THROUGHOUT  
> 3x4  
> 3&2
> 
> STARTS  
> 1x2x5
> 
> ENDS  
> 1x2  
> 5xS
> 
> In all fairness, this is how Merula originally posted the fic -- with the pairings unknown, except for 3x4. Don't blame the messenger. ^_~


End file.
